Whether you’ve been in a bad relationship, have been cheated on or even been abused, it is possible for you to carry the emotional baggage with you even once the situation itself has passed. 

Women especially are vulnerable to emotional hangovers and can let bad experiences affect them continually, even in new relationships. 

Unfortunately, until you get a grip on your emotions, you’re slowly going to poison any relationship that you have. 

You need to break the patterns in order to move on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

 

Hello, I read your article on the free library and it connected with me. I am very insecure to the extent I am destroying my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating now for almost 3 yrs. He has been sincere but I somehow still manage to not having any faith in him. My ex’s cheated on me and my boyfriend says I am carrying it over into our relationship.

 

I hate the fact that I am becoming such a monster, that I can’t control my thoughts and that I am loosing the man I want as a husband. We want to start 2008 fresh.  

 

How does one ‘let go and let things be?’  How can I solve my problems? How can I clear my head and heart out and move forward? Where do I start and what should I do? Please help.

 

- Ulrika, South Africa

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Recognition

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What should you do if your partner lies to you?

It can be a tough situation to deal with, especially if both partners love and care about each other despite the lies. 

There are a few things to ask both yourself and your partner before making a decision whether or not to stay with them. 

One thing is for certain - a good relationship is open and honest. 

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

 

We have been living together for 3 years and together for 3.6 years. We are engaged.

 

He would do ANYTHING for me, but at the same time LIES. He lies about MONEY and work. He is not a good provider. I can’t even work because he can’t afford his own car and uses mine and He would rather be the one working.

 

What do you do when you both love each other but your partner can’t tell you the truth about money things? How can I get him to UNDERSTAND that he needs to be honest about money and work? Please help, I need to make a decision FAST before I marry into a problem that cannot be fixed.

 

- Melissa, NY

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Why is he lying?

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Infidelity is certainly one of the most challenging issues a couple can face. The depth of pain experienced by the partner who was cheated on can be excruciating and unrelenting.

For those who are not able to move past this transgression, it can represent the death of the relationship. The breach of trust is simply too much for some to bear which is completely understandable.

However, for those who want to try to move past this event and rebuild their relationship foundation – there is hope. Make no mistake - it requires hard work and a commitment to the process.

The issue of “cheating” and having an “affair” comes up frequently in my couples work. Though this is one of the more challenging circumstances to work through in relationship therapy, the fact that the couple has presented themselves at all to work on it is a great sign.

Infidelity can not only be very damaging to the partner who was cheated on but shaming for the one who did the cheating. When a couple such as this sits down on the couch in front of me, they both know they are about to climb an incredibly steep mountain together in which they may not even make it to the summit.

There will undoubtedly be slippery rocks, sharp grades and formidable weather along the way.

I want to provide some guide posts to help navigate this treacherous climb in the form of ways a couple begin their ascent together. The following are five thoughts on how to heal from infidelity:

1) Cease the affair

This may seem obvious but sometimes “obvious” is better off stated. I have heard of more than one couple who went to therapy (not with me) to work on infidelity with the understanding that the affair was over – but the reality was it was still going on. This is not helpful.

2) There is no such thing as too much apologizing

The partner who cheated must be willing to apologize as many times as needed – and as sincerely as possible. They need to continue to take responsibility for wounding their partner and the relationship.

3) Allow the wounded partner his/her feelings

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All too often women think they’re dating, yet sadly in their man’s mind they’re just a fling. Ouch!

So how do you know for sure if you’re on the way to a relationship rather than just hooking up? You face what you are actually getting from your man.

So how do you take steps to make sure you are actually on the way to a relationship and not just his latest fling?

Here are 5 ways to know for sure!

5 Signs that you are just his fling!

1. Your man excludes your name when he talks about future events. Or he regularly talks about his future plans as “I will be doing this,” rather than “we will be doing this.”
2. You haven’t met any of your man’s close friends or family members. If he’s not showing you off, he’s hiding you.
3. You only see each other late at night or in private. If you mostly see your man at his place or late at night, then you are a secret affair and most likely there is another woman in the picture.
4. Your man rarely calls you in advance. And when he does call it’s to get together immediately or the same day. If he’s calling you at the last minute you are far from his first choice!
5. You man is only interested in sex. If your time together is nothing but rolling between the sheets and he rarely asks you questions about your life and ambitions, then you are just a fling.

5 Signs he thinks of you as his girlfriend!

1. Your man regularly includes you in talk of future plans—be it a concert, vacation, company party or family event. If he discusses upcoming events in his life and talks as though you will be there, he considers you someone he is dating.
2. Your man has introduced you to close friends and family members. He is proud of you and enjoys involving you the lives of people important to him.
3. Your man takes you out on real dates where he is actually spending money on you and being seen with you in pubic.
4. Your man calls you often and asks you out at least two days in advance.
5. Your man actually asks about your life, goals and dreams then listens to your answers. If he is investing time in getting to know you more than trying to jump in your pants, then he is pursuing a relationship with you.

Victorya Rogers is the author of The Automatic 2nd Date. To learn more about Victorya Rogers, visit ManToKeep.com.

Contrary to popular belief, pornography is actually watched by many people – both men, women and couples. 

Watching pornography isn’t something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about because it’s more than likely that the person sitting right next to you watches it to. 

That said, is it possible that someone can watch too much pornography or become addicted to it?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

 

Hi, I’ve just watched the video about a woman being addicted to pornography and it made me think.

 

I think it’s fair to say I’m addicted to pornography …  But the twist is that it can’t be because I’m lazy and I don’t even have a sex life.  I don’t have a relationship, and I’m not interested in getting one anytime soon. Is watching porn every other night or so bad?

 

- Kevin,   California  

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How much porn is too much? 

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Is your marriage in trouble? No matter how bad, there’s always hope and ways to turn your situation around.

Here are five common ways to help create a better, more loving and harmonious relationship with your husband.

1. Handle arguments differently

Every marriage and relationship has arguments, but it’s how you handle them that’s most important.

At Junior High School, I said ‘no’ to drugs. At my wedding altar, I said ‘no’ to fighting. Nancy Reagan’s "Just Say No" anti-drug campaign was a huge success.

Kids made a verbal commitment and a mental stance to avoid drugs before they were even of the age to be tempted. When they were introduced to drugs, they knew they could "just say no" and not feel alone.

Fighting is NOT harmless. It’s addictive and, if continued, is likely to cause irreparable damage. Certainly there are times when emotions get wrinkled, and the natural inclination is to blow your top.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue so I don’t say something I would regret later (since when is self-control a bad thing?) Having a naturally calm personality has admittedly made it easier for me to think before I speak than it is for some people. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from trying.

2. How to make him listen

In most relationships, a polite and sincere request gets much greater results than if you yell, nag or complain.

For example, the other day Athena saw my bath towel on the middle of our bedroom floor. She said "you might want to hang up your towel or it won’t dry out in time for your shower tomorrow." When my clothes pile up outside of the hamper, she sweetly says, "it would really help me out a lot if you put your dirty clothes in the hamper."

She was exhausted one morning and when Ashton (then five months old) began to stir, she turned over to me and asked if I wanted to "get up and have a little morning playtime with Ashton."

That was a much nicer way of asking me to help her out than saying, "Why am I the one who always gets up early to take care of YOUR son? I think it is YOUR turn for a change." Athena always thinks of nice ways to ask me to help out or to stop doing something irritating.

3. Turn gossip and bashing into praise

No one’s perfect. When wives get together and the conversation turns to complaining about “what their husbands do,” or male bashing in general, refuse to participate.

It shows that you respect and value your husband. For a man, few things are more devastating than to have his wife criticize him in front of friends. Instead, when a "gripe session" gets going, make it a point to start sharing some of his good qualities.

Usually, this alone will steer the conversation into a positive direction and help your friends to also praise their husbands — which in turn helps them to respect and appreciate them more too. Knowing that my wife refuses to belittle me in front of friends makes me love and respect her even more.

4. Change your routine of life

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I am beautiful no matter what they say…

Words can’t bring me down–Christina Aguilera

My six-year old recently watched the movie/musical "Hairspray" and danced around the room to all the great 60’s styled tunes. Her favorite character: Tracy Turnblad! Who would have thought?

After being introduced to Barbie and Bratz dolls, who knew my daughter would think of Ms. Turnblad in the same way as her more shapely, thinner heroines?

But this is very good! Because for a culture obsessed in its need for thinner waif looking counterparts, Big Beautiful Women (BBW’s) are making it clear to the rest of the world they will neither be ignored nor marginalized.

The ideal 

The fashion and entertainment culture for years have made it clear the only way people are attractive in the world is with the thin, athletic look. All you have to do is look at the entertainment business to see which look gets top billing. Look also at your magazines, billboards, and promotions in stores.

You’ve got to be thin, athletic, and not a speck of fat or flab on your body. No room for big boned girls because they don’t fit what beautiful or sexy looks like in our culture.

I remember growing up and into my teens and 20s viewing how BBW’s were treated in the public: disdain, repulsion, and degradation. There was no room at the inn for big girls because men and women were bombarded with “the standard” of beauty. But beauty had a cost too; if you wanted “the look” you will have to either starve yourself or purge your food from your body.

The ideal isn’t ideal 

Too many BBW’s were left with the choice of starving, purging or exercising the weight off or be marginalized into a stereotype left on the outside looking in. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like (and sadly, is like in some cases today) where the pressure to be “beautiful” was great.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the clothing rack one day. Big Beautiful Women had enough!

They determined they were happy with who they were, how they looked, and would not take the forced determination of the fashion world—or society in general—telling them they couldn’t be sexy and beautiful just like the thinner girls. It would be up to these beautiful women to make a stand for themselves and tell their world they are beautiful in their own special way.

The new ideal

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Jim looked at Shannon with a cacophony of feelings; love, lust, appreciation and fear and wanted desperately to reach for her.

Shannon could sense his looking at her, in spite of her back being turned to him as she washed the dishes.  Her spine tensed and she felt afraid and then angry. 

Jim felt her energy shift and could feel the coldness she projected out at him. He stood frozen in his tracks uncertain as to what to do.

He knew she loved him, and that she wanted to please him.  He also knew she would succumb to him if he asserted himself, but she would be angry with him for days.  He went back to clearing off the table and securing their doors for the night.

How it all began 

“Jim and Shannon” are a composite of couples I have worked with over the years. Shannon is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and had yet to understand all the ways it impacts her relationship with Jim. 

Shannon thinks Jim is too focused on sex and, unspoken she really believes he only loves her for what she does for him sexually.  She feels shame that he can’t love her for who she is, but doesn’t really think anyone would.

Jim spent his life craving touch. His mother knew that she shouldn’t “coddle him”; her mother taught her well that boys need to be “toughened up”.  She let him console himself when he fell and discouraged his affection toward her. 

When Jim became a teenager he discovered the joy of touching girls, and the rush of hormones that came with that touch.  Touch then, for Jim, became inseparable from sex. 

When he met Shannon he thought he had found a woman who was very open and comfortable with sexuality.  She never denied him anything he wanted and he felt loved for once in his life. 

Ramifications of abuse 

Now, as he stood in the kitchen wanting her so badly, he didn’t understand why she no longer seemed to be able to love him as she once had.  He felt guilty for wanting her and confused at her rejection of him.  His anger and resentment built every time she rejected him.

Shannon had started therapy and she told Jim her therapist said she should not have sex with him until she wanted, and to assert her own needs rather than always succumbing to his. 

Shannon’s sexual abuse had taught her to please men, but not herself. The disgust and pain she felt at the thought of sex convinced her she could just as well live without it.

It made her angry that Jim continually pushed her to do something he knew was painful and not fun for her. It reinforced her belief that he could only love her if she gave in to his sexual needs.  She felt resentful and angry at his insensitivity, a belief her therapist reinforced in each weekly session.

How to untangle the mess

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Here are 5 ways to show your partner that you love them without saying a word… 

1.  Touch Them

Give your partner a hug, kiss, hold hands, snuggle or massage them.  Just be close.  Nothing is more powerful than the power of touch.

2.  Leave Love Notes and Poems

Write love messages and leave them throughout the house.  Send an email or text message to let your partner know you are thinking about them.  Leave a note on their car, in their pocket, under their pillow.  Buy a card or send a letter to them in the mail.  A little note or poem expressing your love will show your partner how much you care about them.

3. Food

They say "the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach," however this works equally well for women.  Express your love by cooking a surprise dinner and set the atmosphere with music, candlelight, and flowers.  Cook your partner’s favorite recipe.  You may also give your partner the night off by making reservations at their favorite restaurant. 

4. Plan a Date

Prepare a picnic, go for a walk, or plan an activity your partner loves.  Plan something special rather than just the standard dinner and movie.

5.  Hold eye contact with your partner’s eyes.

Gaze at your partner lovingly.  By maintaining eye contact with your partner, you show them that they are the most important thing on your mind at that moment.  Holding eye contact can increase your heart rate and creates a sense of unity and bonding.  

To learn more about Stephany Alexander, visit www.WomanSavers.com.

Signs of Abuse

Do you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around your partner?  Are you afraid a lot of the time in your relationship?  Is your self esteem being slowly eroded?  It’s possible you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse can sometimes be a tricky thing to identify for those in the situation because often the abuser employs tactics that make the other person feel like they’re going crazy.  Abusive people will dominate conversations so that the other has little time to decide if the behavior is harmful. 

There’s often a pervasive sense of being off balance for the person being emotionally abused.  They start to question their own thinking and eventually believe that they must have it wrong and in fact, they’re the bad ones for daring to believe such a thing about the abuser!  We call this “crazy-making” because that’s precisely the impact it has on the receiver.

In my own practice I’ve seen couples come in where it’s pretty obvious this is going on.  I’ve seen men and women in emotionally abusive dynamics with their partners.  I’ve witnessed people literally verbally “shut down” their partner – and the other one shrink away right before my eyes. 

Part of the problem for people who are being emotionally abused is they often don’t realize it.  Their self-confidence has been whittled down to a nub. 

Could you be in an emotionally abusive relationship? 

Ask yourself the following five questions – which are also signs you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1)  Does your partner frequently criticize or humiliate you?

2)  Does your partner isolate you from your family and friends?

3)  Has your partner ever limited or controlled your access to money?

4)  Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

5)  Are you afraid of your partner?

The Cycle of Abuse

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Your husband watches porn.

He lies about it.

You get angry.

You fight.

Welcome to the club. We don’t know a single woman that hasn’t at least gotten miffed about her man’s porn watching. Is it the man’s fault? Should he stop watching it? Well, we’re going to be honest here and you may not like what we have to say.

It’s not the man’s fault and no, he shouldn’t have to stop watching porn.

We’re also going to share a little secret with you that may make your life easier.

It has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

 

My husband and I have been together for eight years. We have a pretty good sex life, but for the past year we have been fighting about porn. He sneaks off and watches it. I have tried to get him to watch it with me, hoping he will stop sneaking and lying about it.

 

I have low self esteem and it hurts. I wish he would share it with me, it is starting to cause a problem with our marriage.

 

– Stephanie, PA

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So he watches porn…

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Did you know that love does NOT conquer all?

You see, often people get married with the idea that their “chemistry” or undying love for each other will keep them together forever.

However, with almost 50% of marriages ending in divorce these days, it’s obvious that this isn’t the case. Therefore, it pays to know a few little secrets before getting married.

Here are 5 tips that help keep couples together long after tying the knot:

Tip #1 - Continue dating

Over the years, people often drift apart or relationships and marriages become stale because couples fail to do new and special things together. That’s why going on new and refreshing dates is so important. In fact, there is something about “dating” that creates a sense of magic in a relationship and can even bring relationships out of a rut.

While on a date, you also put more effort into your appearance, have more uninterrupted time to communicate on a deeper level and are naturally drawn closer together. Stuck for date ideas? Spend the day at the aquarium, zoo, museum, carnival, bookstore, beach or park.

Tip #2 – Delay is often better

It’s a well-documented statistic that couples who have dated for a year or longer before marriage have a significantly lower rate of divorce than those who married after a short dating period.

A year of dating gives time for many emotions to surface and many character traits to be discovered. You may adore someone in the spring, but despise him or her in the winter. Asking someone for his or her hand in marriage on the third date isn’t romantic. It’s gambling.

Tip #3 – Always express your love

Oftentimes, as a relationship matures, partners tend to stop praising each other because they ‘assume’ their partner already knows what they’re thinking. When in reality, a day should never go by without you praising your partner.

Compliment them on their cooking, reaffirm that they’re the greatest person in the world or tell them they’re a wonderful role model. If you want to be loved and romanced by your sweetheart, love and romance them first.

When they’re feeling loved, it is much easier to love in return. Are you a super supporter of what your mate does and says? So do you cheer them on and praise them constantly? Or do they constantly hear boos or silence?

Tip #4 – Take time to understand your partner

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Infidelity can sneak up on even the most solid partnerships. 

According to an infidelity poll conducted by WomanSavers.com of 6,330 women, 92% believe that emotional affairs lead to physical affairs, whereas only a mere 7% believe they do not.

With the increase in technology, cheating has become more prevalent. 

However, following the below top 10 infidelity-proof tips will increase your chances of having a long-lasting, healthy, monogamous relationship.

1.  Don’t Drink or Use Drugs Around the Opposite Sex

Drinking alcohol or using drugs with the opposite sex is one of the quickest ways that lead to infidelity because it lowers your inhibitions.  Even having a cocktail at a business lunch can lead to more intimate conversations and inappropriate behavior. 

2.  Develop common interests and hobbies.
If you and your partner are always spending time apart doing the activities you enjoy separately, there is a higher chance one of you may meet someone who enjoys doing the same activities you do.  Couples that “play” together, are more likely to stay together.

3.  Exercise and eat right.
Don’t let yourself go physically.  Exercise and eat well not only for yourself, but for your partner.  If you quit trying just because you have become comfortable, your partner will resent you for being lazy and may become attracted to someone who values their self worth more.

4.  Don’t plan meetings alone with the opposite sex.
Now I know it’s not possible to always have meetings in groups.  However, if you know you are attracted to an acquaintance, try to plan your meetings in groups because this helps lower the intimacy factor.

5.  Put yourself in your partner’s shoes.  If you would be uncomfortable with your partner doing something that you are doing or are considering doing, don’t do it.  Respect your partner enough to always consider their feelings.

6.  Travel together whenever possible.

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If You’ve Ever Been Rejected, This is the Article for You!

You’ve had a date or two with someone you thought was interested in you, then they drop the bombshell that they don’t feel a connection. Ouch!

You wish you could control the overwhelming feelings of anger, embarrassment, anxiety and/or hopelessness but you can’t.

Rejection is a fact of life. It’s how you handle it that makes all the difference.

Here are some strategies that may help you cope with life’s — and love’s — inevitable knock-backs.

Don’t Take it Personally

In many cases, the so-called rejection may have nothing to do with you at all.

For instance, someone may reject your advances because you remind them of someone from their past (not your fault), they are having a career crisis (not your fault) or are dealing with some other pressing personal issue that they elect not to explain (again, not your fault).

"I really liked this guy and we dated a couple of times before he told me he didn’t have time for me. I felt awful," says Jess. "I ran into him a year later and he told me that his father had been sick with cancer — he later died — and all this was happening when we had first met," she says. "I had thought he just wasn’t interested in me but the truth was that it had nothing to do with me."

Silence your Inner Child

The Inner Child often overreacts and feels the whole world has turned thumbs down and that true love will never come (insert high-pitched wail here). Our adult selves know this is simply not true yet the words of our Inner Child ring in our ears.

Recover from rejection by silencing your Inner Child and reminding yourself that ‘never’ is not a realistic concept. To get yourself back on track, try making a list of all the people in your life who do love you and let the sting of rejection melt away.

Don’t Let it Rattle You

Don’t let a negative response shake your confidence. "If I didn’t get a second date with a guy, I’d spend literally days running through out first meeting wondering what I did to put him off," says Sue.

"One day I had a revelation: You can’t be everyone’s idea of a perfect match, so it’s only natural that you will have first dates that don’t eventuate into second ones. And that’s fine. If we all met the man of our dreams the first time, there would be no single people and there are lots of single people out there…"

Think of It as a Favor

If your first or second date didn’t turn into something more, in some ways you should be thankful. It may be uncomfortable to hear, but getting a firm, clear-eyed grasp on incompatibility early rather than later is a huge time-saving plus. The early brush-off allows you to chalk it up to experience and move on.

Turn It into a Positive

Sounds cheesy but you can make rejection work as a motivator for self-improvement. "Knock-backs aren’t fun, that’s for sure," says Phil, "But if I get a ‘no’ from someone I was interested in,

I always use the opportunity to work on myself — do a course, work out more at the gym, go on a health kick, that sort of thing. I figure if I am the best I can be that I will find the best person for me. And if it takes a few ‘nos’ to get there, so be it."

Don’t Dwell on It

Sometimes the fact that we have been rejected is so painful and all-consuming that it becomes the only thing we talk about. Friends hear how badly we’ve been treated or listen patiently to our complaints that we will never find true love.

Other singles rally around us offering rejection anecdotes, all of which seem to confirm our worst fears — that there are no decent men/women left and we will never find Mr/Ms Right.

Get a grip. Turn this apparent catastrophe into a chance to make a change. Get back online, update that profile and optimistically look toward the future.  

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Loneliness is one of the deepest sorrows – at its peak it feels like a quiet desperation, a yearning to melt completely with another, a slow suffocation that we can’t escape no matter what. And it was shocking to see how common it is. The media has begun to describe the spread of loneliness as an epidemic!

How can we escape it, what can we do? The most common response is a search for a companion, for a lover.

“If only I had someone,” we think, “everything will be all right.” Failing in this search, many begin to turn to alcohol, depression, or self-destructive behaviors.

But the search is flawed, self-defeating right from the start. Whatever we do might seem to work for a while, but we are running away from loneliness – and the more we run, the stronger it gets.

Relationships Rooted in Loneliness

Romance that stems from loneliness is fake, a rose made of plastic; all it does is cover up our yearning. This is how many relationships are – two lonely people who are mutually clinging and grasping on to each other. Regardless of what they say or do, each person is really thinking: please take care of my heart.

How do we take care of other hearts when we can’t even nourish our own?

In such relationships, the neediness is still there. Once the honeymoon period is over, the neediness and unhappiness begins to arise again. For no one – no matter how beautiful, handsome, sweet, attentive, and dashing – can fulfill your needs exactly the way you want them to. There’s always something else that will appear – something they haven’t done that you want them to, or they’ve done something you wish they hadn’t.

When that happens, the yearning arises again. In fact, it has always been there, just beneath the surface. But you think it is your partner’s fault, and you begin to blame them – “You were supposed to make me happy!” But how can they? No one can make you happy but you. All they can do is cover the yearning temporarily.

The Repugnance of Desperation

Being in the depths of loneliness makes it harder to find a partner. This neediness can only be hidden for so long, if one manages to hide it at all.

It is common knowledge that desperation is one of the most unattractive traits out there. The more you run after them, try to hang on to them, the more a quality partner will retreat. They have options, people who make them happy instead of wanting to rely on them – why stay with you?

Relax into your Loneliness

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