Why Adultery Is Higher During The Holidays

• Sex has no calories – ok, this one’s pretty obvious! There are plenty of activities that involve a lot of stress and a lot of extra eating! Sex is a way to absolve yourself of both … unless it’s with someone other than your partner. In which case, the stress relief is only momentary – and you’ll be left with an affair, which is a lot worse than a few extra pounds.
• People go into emptiness during holidays, regrets, family they miss, happiness and sadness – as I mentioned, the holidays can be difficult for people. If your partner isn’t emotionally available during this time, things can get even harder. The solution here is not to let that push you into the arms of someone else, but to work things out with your significant other so you can face the holiday challenges together.
• People are more vulnerable – this goes hand-in-hand with the above statement. The good news is, this is a time of year where people are taking time off, spending time with family and friends. So take advantage of that and share your emotions with someone you’re close to – don’t take it out in the form of infidelity.
• People drink more and inhibitions are lower, more prone to sex – ’nuff said. You don’t want to be next years’ sad story.
• During the holidays there are more parties – this means more people are wearing sexy clothes, dancing together, drinking (as mentioned above) going home together.  This lowers inhibitions and can make it easier to make a mistake you’ll regret. The best advice here is perhaps the most obvious – know  your limits.

As a general rule, I tell people not to drink at work-related events, including holiday parties: it’s just too easy to let yourself go, especially when the people around you aren’t setting the greatest examples! If you’re worried things will end badly, you can politely decline to attend certain festivities!

Another tip is – DON’T DANCE! At least not with a co-worker and definitely not someone with whom you may be feeling a bit of heat. Bring your significant other to such events – enjoy their company, dance with them, go home with them and if there IS someone at work that could potentially lure you to cheat, introduce them to your partner as a way of staying honest! I mention the importance of this introduction – and how to handle it – in my book, “Make up, Don’t Breakup.”

• People are eating more sweets during Christmas, sweets have a biochemical effect on stress. Causes more acting out behavior.  Comfort foods plays on stress in a negative way cause more sexual cravings. I know – it’s frustrating that it seems we’re getting assaulted even from our faithful friend, food. But again, being aware of your limits, having people you can share your stresses with, and trying to not become too stressed in the first place are all good ways to protect yourself against having a holiday affair!

Related articles:

1. Letterman Scandal Shines Light On Serial Adulterers
2. How To Avoid The “Affair Disease”
3. Should You Stand By Your Man After An Affair?
4. The Good Wife
5. Don’t Let A Financial Downturn Cause Financial Infidelity in Your Relationship

As one therapist on PsychologyToday.com described it:

“But those couples who have failed to keep the passion alive can sometimes resemble a stagnant pond that has no fresh water coming in or going out — the relationship just sort of sits there. It isn’t going anywhere and it certainly doesn’t have enough freshness to it to bring life.”

Especially once you’ve been in a committed relationship for a while, it’s easy to get to that point of stagnation. Life is busy and demanding. There are frequently careers in the picture, perhaps kids, home ownership, financial demands and relationship stress, family issues, and much more. I bring this topic up particularly around the holidays when – although it’s a time we SHOULD be using to spend with loved ones and reignite passion in our romances – it’s often instead a period of the year that is incredibly stressful and draining.

How To Keep Romance Alive

I talk about a few techniques to keep the romance alive in my book, Make Up Don’t Breakup, and I also use these strategies for couples that have been through an affair or feel themselves pulling away from their partner. They work in less serious circumstances to – because, let’s face it, everyone in a relationship at one time or another has needed a little change to their routine. So give them a try this holiday season and focus on what’s important in your life!

Make A Decision To Fall In Love Again

Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat Each Other Like You Did At The Beginning

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up – go back to the honeymoan! Make these activities your top priority!

A Touch Can Be Magical!

It can get your hormones flowing and build attraction. Rediscover romance by bringing physical connection – at whatever lever you’re comfortable with – back into your life.

Give Up Your Old Money Relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

Related articles:

1. How A Disagreement Can Bring You Closer
2. Safeguard Your Relationship From Financial Affairs
3. Romance For Men: Following The Platinum Rule For A Better Relationship
4. Is He Really Over His Ex-Girlfriend? How Do I Know for Sure?
5. Recession Proof Your Relationship

Okay, enough with the plant metaphor. You get it (hopefully). The deal is that if we come to relationship broken up, with some serious unexamined baggage, expecting to attract great relationships, odds are the next one will end up much the same—in disappointment and regret. At some point, as I have said many times, you gotta be thinking, “Hey, maybe it’s not just them.”

Here are some pointers for how to sustain any great relationship (platonic or otherwise), once you have carefully selected who you want to be in it with:
Respect Here’s a word. Know what it means? If you don’t, you have no chance at REAL, lasting intimacy (in my not-so-humble opinion). If you respect yourself, just double it. Don’t just talk about it either—this is an action item. Respect is not a feeling, it’s a way of behaving!

Responsible Communication

You get to choose from every word in the English language (or whatever language you share) in whatever tone you choose to communicate your thoughts and feelings to another, so choose carefully. You have no one to blame if you don’t tell the truth or say what you want. My teacher says “We are always doing one of two things; creating separation or connection.” What is your intention?

Integrity

Do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, as often as humanly possible. And don’t BS yourself. Nobody trusts a flake, nor does anyone want their vulnerable hearts to be in the care of one. If you love and respect someone, ACT like it!

Compatibility

Just because someone has good energy doesn’t mean you do real life well together. Watch what people DO, not only what they say. Make sure you are compatible with them or you’ll be sadly disappointed, eventually bored and even resentful. There are 7 billion people on the planet—check some more of them out and quit trying to make someone they are not!

Compassion

Walked a mile in their shoes, have you? I recommend before you think you know whatever you think you know about the person you say you love, one of the most loving acts of all is to try and understand as much as you want to be understood. Old adage for a reason. ‘Cause it’s a damn good one!

Expectations

The fastest way to get back to love in any relationship is to want nothing. Period. Try it. No one is responsible for your happiness or anything else, unless expressly agreed to.

Consciousness Agreements

One of my all-time favorites. Let people know what’s important to you up front. As soon as possible, in fact. In any relationship the time to negotiate is up front, not after you are in deep! Don’t want to party a lot, but notice you keep giving in and feeling bad about yourself—but afraid to lose your friends if you stand up for yourself? Don’t want to have sex so much, but because you’re afraid they will leave, you do it anyway (see compatibility)?  What are your non-negotiables?

These tools and skills have helped me immeasurably over the years and I rely on them all, as they are responsible for helping me maintain the loving, healthy relationships I have today! Remember, relationships take work, they are not just “add water,” and people are not disposable. They are precious blessings, and in their presence I feel blessed to keep on my path to becoming the best version of myself, as well as have the privilege to witness l those I love do the same!

Related articles:

1. Why We Don’t Surrender To Pain In Romantic Relationships
2. Relationships Don’t Have To Be Hard
3. Long Distance Relationships – Can They Really Work?
4. Great Relationships Begin Within!
5. How Men Can Create Healthy And Happy Relationships

How To Create A Deep, Meaningful Friendship

My history with friendships was rather sketchy and my role models even more so – in terms of friendships and romantic relationships. My mother barely trusted women (her best friend slept with my dad) and my father, well, made a lot of offers people couldn’t refuse. Childhood aside, the relationship skills I had gathered afforded me as many pleasant and happy memories as traumatic or forgettable ones. Over the years, many of the good friendships had been more fragile than I liked, and oftentimes out of balance one way or the other. Yet, the ones I did maintain (for whatever length of time) offered a mutual comfort that, when absent, left me yearning for that very specific kind of connection that only a platonic camaraderie offers—one that, no matter how compatible, a sexual relationship does not.

How To Tell If A Friend Is A Good One

So, how do you tell if someone is got the right stuff to be your new BFF or just a GF? I figure that most of our same propensities arise when it comes to friendship as they do in an intimate relationship—except, of course, Le sexe. It’s safe to say that we are looking for many of the same things in a friendship that we are looking for in a relationship. You know – someone to hang out with, someone you have something in common with, someone to listen to you, who will be interested in your life, someone you can count on no matter what life throws at you.

Finding these select few, these magical, unconditionally (most of the time) loving fantastic friendships can take some sussing out. Once you have decided that you want some great ones—who, if you’re lucky, just may be around throughout your lifetime—here are a few things to keep in mind. They just might make your journey a little easier done than said!

Set your intention—it works with friends too. Maybe you want to make two or three new good friends in the next year. Set achievable goals.

Set forth your criteria. What do you want? I wanted girlfriends who were self-sustaining, had a daily practice of self-care, who were on a similar spiritual track, and who had impeccable communication skills, etc.

List your non-negotiables, the things that just won’t work for you. One of mine was, “If you are upset you need to tell me directly and not make unilateral decisions that affect me as well.”

• Interview well, ask good questions and wait and see if their actions match their words.
• Don’t settle (even if you’re bored or desperate, you’ll be sorry you did!).
• Tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, better now than later, I always say.
• Set your boundaries regarding money, men, and all things sacred!
• Give as much as you get and make sure it flows the other way too!
• Take your time, no need to rush, getting to know a new friend is fun and should be savored, and trust is built over time.
• Most of all, be silly, be yourself, and have some fun!

And remember, great relationships, including friendships, begin within!

Related articles:

1. Aaaahh! Why Does She Want to Be ‘Just Friends’? (Video)
2. Here’s How to Make the Transition from Friends to More Than Friends a Little Easier
3. Friends? Lovers? Pick One! – The One That Got Away… (Video)
4. How Do I Tell My Best Friend I Want to Be More Than Friends? (Video)
5. Friends After Break Up… Why Won’t He Return My Calls?

What Are Pre-Wedding Jitters?

For a working definition I define “jitters” as being the normal questions one has about the immediate and long-term changes in the indivual’s lifestyle that go along with the act of becoming a partnership or committed couple.

Normal questions may include:

• Is this what I want for myself in my way of interacting with the world in ways that must include my spouse to be?
• Is this person capable of meeting my needs and desires on a basic and reliable condition or duration?
• Can I hold up my end of being available to my future mate’s desires and needs and be prepared to maintain the behaviors involving that with a consistency that will honor and satisfy the other person?

What Types Of Feelings Come With Pre-Wedding Jitters?

“Jitters” generally apply to feelings of anxiety or nervousness. If it’s more a sense of “dread” or “terror” you have exceeded the intensity of this merely being ‘pre-change commitments’. Find out what it is that specifically has you “over the top with your fears” and address it immediately. Seek help from experts and not family members or friends—they can’t be objective in this situation no matter how hard they may try or offer to be. If you do get their advice at least weigh it against another qualified and objective source!

What Are Examples Of Pre-Wedding Jitters?

Illustrated in previous question and often demonstrated by typical signs of anxiety…pre-occupation on the topic of concern, physiological changes such as increased heart rate, shallow breathing, and “feeling on edge”. You may find yourself having difficulty concentrating, becoming more clumsy, forgetful, and possibly even shorter temper as you are interrupted from your normal course of routine—which is often already changing due to the social events and obligations that go along with Today’s matrimonial demands. Anxiety without a clear focus and no specific behaviors you object to or traits that you worry about-this would indicate just a generalized fear in the whole idea of being married.

What Should You Do If You Have Pre-Wedding Jitters?

Practice relaxation techniques…deep breathing, meditation, yoga, or exercise. Talk to your partner and ask if he/she is having any of the same concerns. Seek reassurance from that person. If your jitters decrease as you “vent” about it, you will likely have less cause for the continued reaction. Allow for some nervousness as being a normal adaptation to change. TALK it out or use a piece of paper and write about it, just get it out! These are usually feelings that can be purged and decreased with openness and time.
What are some signs or signals that a bride/groom is having second thoughts about getting married?

Second thoughts – we’ll define here as actual true doubts that are bothersome enough to illicit the individual to actually question their fiancé’s traits, lifestyle, behaviors, and have a high level of concern about specific areas of the relationship. As compared with “jitters” where an individual is simply wondering if the idea of marriage is right for them and if this is a good choice they have made in selecting a mate.
With this as our working definition, I offer the following:

What Should The Bride/Groom Do If He/She Is Having Second Thoughts?

…

Related articles:

1. Is It EVIL to Say I Love You with No Intention of Getting Married? (Video)
2. Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships Without Even Knowing It?
3. Is It Possible to Love Two Men? How do I choose?
4. How to Keep the Money Mistress From Destroying Your Relationship
5. Thinking of Proposing? You’d Better Think About More Than The Ring!

Stopping Sexual Manipulation

Who wouldn’t want that?  I wanted to know more, so I signed up for more information.  Immediately, I got directed to another page with long sales copy and another video.  As the video began, I scrolled down the page, speed reading the copy.  Suddenly, I heard her say something from the video I couldn’t believe I’d heard!  But I did…I heard it!  She said, “We need to stop making men wrong for all the ways they piss us off!  I totally validate you, but…”  Then a moment later, I heard this, “We’ve got to stop withholding sex from them when they’ve been little s**ts!  Again, I totally validate you!  Yet this is high level manipulation and it’s got to end because it’s pushing away the very connection you yearn for.”

Hold on!  I think the attitude behind those statements pushes away the very connection a woman yearns for!  At that point, she didn’t sound smart, sexy, or charming.  While her intention in the first video seemed to be to connect women with their delicious, pleasure filled, goddess selves in order to draw forth the sex appeal that would attract more men than the women know what to do with; the attitude expressed in the second video, in my opinion, had nothing to do with connection, pleasure, or sex appeal that would turn a man’s head.

What Makes A Sexy Woman?

The sexiest women I know don’t call men names and they don’t commiserate with other women about how their men disappoint them.  The sexiest women I know genuinely like men.  They think men are pretty great.  Rather than being threatened by a man’s testosterone, they admire how it makes men different in all the ways that compliment women.

Women with lots of sex appeal enjoy the company of men.  They like to listen to men share their stories of victory and defeat.  These women make lots of direct eye contact, neither getting lost in the man nor being preoccupied with themselves. Women with lots of sex appeal like and love themselves.  They enjoy their own company.  They’re not waiting for the right man to come along to fill them and make them complete.  They are already whole and complete, fully understanding what they bring to the relationship.

Relationships With Sexy Women

I’ve observed these kinds of women and while I personally find them very appealing, it’s how their men interact with them that seals the deal on my willingness to say these are the sexiest women I know.  Their men genuinely enjoy their company.  Their men are chivalrous without being condescending.  Their men laugh at their jokes, appreciating their minds as well as their bodies and the light in their eyes.  Their men are smitten and rightly so!

If you asked my husband, Joseph, he’d probably tell you I’m just such a woman.  I don’t know about that!  I have my own struggles with letting the men in my life be men.  Yesterday, I had a personal victory where feminine sex appeal is concerned.  The nature of the victory might surprise you but it is an example of how this gets played out in the day-to-day minutia of life.

As I cleaned up the kitchen after a meal Joseph had cooked, he came in from digging up potatoes with two mysteriously shaped boxes that had just been delivered.  The type of boxes posters are mailed in, I laughed as I realized they were the Rain-X windshield wipers I’d ordered for our car.

We opened the boxes and he got busy taking out the wipers, reading the directions, and started doing what he thought needed to be done to prepare them to replace our old wipers with them.  This activity made me nervous.  At one point I gently offered that I’d be happy to be the one to go to some car place and ask them to put them on for me.  That got no response.  Several minutes later he asked, “Are you sure you got the right wipers for our car?”  “Yes!” I replied.

A little bit later he said, “Could you hand me a kitchen knife.”  Inside my head I took note of which wiper he had in his hands and how much it cost and refused to say, “Don’t break it!” as I handed him the knife for him to use as a tool.  I don’t know how many times I refused to say out loud, “Don’t break it!” Suddenly, there was a snap and it was done.  The wiper was ready to go on the car and it was perfect!  Wah-hooo!  He felt great about getting them on himself and I felt wonderful for having kept my mouth shut, my attitude in a good place, and the day moving forward without a hitch!

Be Confident In Your Man

That, my friends, makes me a sexually appealing woman!  Had I failed and said, “Don’t break it,” my lack of confidence in my man and my need to feel superior would have been like throwing cold water on both of us.  Even if we had lightly teased each other about it, I would have felt chagrin and he would have felt some measure of shame. Honestly, sometimes the differences between men and women are experienced as incredibly frustrating.  

However, the more we can appreciate the mystery of the differences between the sexes and choose to genuinely like each other, the greater our sex appeal and the more love we get to experience.  At the end of the day, it’s all about the more love we get to experience!

Related articles:

1. You Said What?! Seven Things You Should Never Say To A Woman
2. Commitment Issues… And Another Woman! (Video)
3. Do You Have To Leave The Country To Find A Good Woman?
4. When A Woman Needs To Be Right
5. The Key To Loving A Powerful Woman

Different Kinds Of Pleasure

There are aphorisms and superstitions around the topic of pleasure that do not serve anyone.  Truth told: pleasure should be the predominant experience of a person’s life with pain being the exception. Of course, here at AskDanandJennifer.com, the kind of pleasure that first comes to mind is sexual pleasure.  But pleasure is something that should be a part of most of our pursuits in life.  In your job, career, volunteer work, hobbies, friendships, family, shopping, religious or spiritual expression, there should always be a pay off for giving your time, attention, and talents to these pursuits.  And the pay offs should provide genuine pleasure.

For instance, some people choose careers in order to please their parents.  To make a different choice, even if it brought personal satisfaction and pleasure, would produce too much guilt.  There’s a negative pay off to pursuing the career or job that makes the parents happy and that is you get to feel loyal.  But that loyalty can lead to dissatisfaction, resentment, and deep unhappiness.  Whereas, suffering a little guilt and pursuing your dreams can produce satisfaction, joy, and tremendous happiness!

Over-Pleasing

Some people are the sounding boards for practically every single person in their lives.  They wind up giving and giving and giving until it hurts!  They give their time, attention, even their money, to make sure that the people in their lives know they are loved and valued.  The problem is these folks don’t get this kind of love and attention returned to them.  They are so easy to get along with and so pleasing, that everyone who uses them thinks they’re fine, that they have it all together, and that they don’t anything from anybody.

There is initial pleasure for the giver in such relationships because it does feel good to be so well appreciated.  However, the day comes when most conversations with your friends and colleagues make you feel like a used, dirty rag.  Real pleasure comes from relationships that have healthy give and take from both sides.  Everyone needs to receive regular attention and nurturing support. Some give of themselves sexually in such a way as to please their partner for fear that attending to their own pleasure will have bad results.  They fear coming across as too self-centered.  Truthfully, there is no greater pleasure than knowing your lover totally trusts you with his or her sexual pleasure.  It is a huge complement when your partner melts at your touch, or over the way your breath feels on the back of her neck, or through the direct eye contact he gives you that lets you know you’ve found the exact right spot.

Sexual Pleasure

If your romantic partner refuses to find pleasure in your sensuality and makes you feel wrong in any way for desiring sexual pleasure or sensual attention; it takes a lot of courage to confront the situation inside yourself, in the first place, and with him or her as well.  Our bodies, minds, and souls were built to receive pleasure.  If you deny yourself this natural, human expression, you’ll pay dearly with resentment, anger, even depression.  Allowing someone to determine that you are bad or wrong for desiring pleasure is the same thing as denying yourself.

Having trouble with pleasure is built in to a variety of cultures around the world.  However, there is a simple and effective way that will allow you to open up to receive more pleasure in your life.  It does take courage and some effort, but it’s worth it. All you have to do is commit to loving yourself more each day.  People who love themselves allow greater amounts of pleasure into their lives.  If they are alone, they take care of their own needs and desires.  If they are in a relationship, they learn how to effectively ask for what they want.  Because they appreciate themselves and their own pleasure so much, they have a whole lot of love and pleasuring to give as well.  A circle of energy is created in their lives with plenty of give and take in most of their relationships.

Pleasing Yourself

With a commitment to love yourself more each day, you find yourself doing and saying things to you that you would give to someone you highly value.  You say, “I love you!” to yourself.  You give yourself good strokes for things well done.  You dress in such a way that you enhance your good feelings towards yourself.  You are patient with yourself and yet you challenge you to be better, strive farther, and accomplish more because you value your potential! These kinds of things will give you pleasure.  As your self-worth and pleasure increase, you will attract those who desire to give you pleasure as well.  And then life will be fuller, richer, and sweeter – with the hard times handled with more grace and confidence.

Related articles:

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4. Targeting Her Pleasure Buttons: How To Finger A Woman’s G-Spot
5. Ooh, It Hurts So Good: Sadism & Masochism – The Pleasure of Pain…

This accusation and subsequent admission on Letterman’s part has created a sticky legal and professional situation. Although the affairs were prior to his marriage to his long-time girlfriend, the couple was apparently together during the time of the indiscretions.

What’s Behind Serial Adultery?

I’m reminded of the circumstances surrounding John Edward’s affair. While some of the key details are different – Edwards had a family, his wife was sick, he was likely fearing her death and a drastic change in his family and career – many of the important details are the same. Both are men in the spotlight, under an immense amount of pressure. People in the public eye have a higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis, and therefore are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel. Edwards and Letterman both have the problem of being serial adulterers, which I explain more in my book, Makeup Don’t Breakup.  But the good news is that since both these men have come clean to their families and the public, this situation can actually bring their respective families closer. The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with.

Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship. Instead, it can be used as a spring board for honest discussion. More information on facilitating these types of discussions following potentially disastrous indiscretions – relational, financial and otherwise – can be found in my book, Financial Infidelity.

Related articles:

1. Should You Stand By Your Man After An Affair?
2. Why Adultery Is Higher During The Holidays
3. How Keeping A Journal Can Reveal If Your Lover Is Cheating
4. Is There Life After Cheating? Can You Survive An Affair? (Video)
5. How To Avoid The “Affair Disease”

Losing All Respect

What had gone wrong was within a couple of years of their relationship, she stopped respecting her man. When you stop respecting someone, there is no neutral. No respect results in words and behavior that communicate disrespect. Disrespect from his woman will tear at a man’s love for her. If they don’t catch the problem and fix it, that disrespect will ruin the relationship.

As I coached her to share respect in verbal and physical ways, I faced a challenge I always face whenever I have this conversation with a disrespecting woman. I said to her, “Men are just fine as they are. They don’t need to be fixed or improved. The way they are, the way they handle themselves, is perfectly fine.”

She interrupted me at that point and said, “For them,” meaning men are only perfectly fine just the way they are in the company of other men but not in the company of women. There is the rub. There is the relationship disrespect that makes a man walk away. It is subtle and insidious. Nothing says “I love and adore you,” to a man quite like verbalizing and showing your respect of him. Remember or imagine what it is or would be like when your fellow says, “I love and adore you!” It nurtures you, feeds you, and improves the relationship. In the exact same way, that is how a man experiences the words, “I respect you.”

How To Express Your Respect

I have to be honest, though. It isn’t easy for a woman to express her respect for a man either verbally or through her actions. I don’t know why it isn’t easy. It does seem to be a universal challenge for women. I imagine the answer to why is multi-dimensional and multi-generational. But at the end of the day, “why” doesn’t matter.  This is a relationship problem that behavior modification can solve.  It takes discipline but is quite simple. Whenever you find yourself respecting or admiring him for anything, no matter how small or big a deal it is, tell him so. It may feel awkward and uncomfortable. You may choke on the words, but say it. You’re not the only person in the room and I can tell you from experience, he will not experience your discomfort. Rather, he will feel seen, heard, appreciated, and deeply loved. Those are results that make the discomfort worthwhile!

Show him you love him. When your best girlfriend shares an interest with you that you could care less about, you don’t dismiss her or tune her out. But we tend to roll our eyes and huff and puff when the men we love request our attention for something they’re interested in that we are not. Stop those eyes from rolling, focus on him and give him your full attention. He will feel respected and he’ll adore you for it. This isn’t about becoming “perfect respecters.”  Relationships can’t be perfect.  Life and relationships are messy on this planet.  The thing is there are ways to make life and relationships more fun and fulfilling.  Women respecting men and men loving women are key ingredients to the recipe of making life and relationships yummy!

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4. A Man’s Love Is Expressed Differently From A Woman’s Love
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How Grief Can Affect Your Relationship

This journey with Buddy brought home to me the affects of grief on a relationship.  Grief is a part of every loss, whether it is the loss of a precious heirloom, a job or career, a quality like faith, or a relationship.  Some women even feel grief when a fingernail breaks!  It doesn’t tend to be long lasting grief, but the loss brings an experience of grief, even if it is short lived.

There are a variety of ways grief can affect your relationship.  The most notable is how when we’re grieving our attention turns inward.  It can be difficult to tolerate other people complaining about the trials and tribulations of their lives.  If your significant other is used to depending on you to process the irritations of the day, you can find it bugs you in a way it never did before.  Impatience and arguments can then ensue.

How Grief Affects You

Impatience with the things in life that don’t work tends to become inflamed during grief.  Not being able to get the cap off a bottle can result in a broken bottle and feelings of rage.  Too many things going wrong, even if they’re insignificant, can result in head banging or a fist through a wall.  At this point the grief becomes complicated with the addition of shame for having lost such control over something so seemingly meaningless.

Another way grief affects you and your relationship is how it makes your body ache.  It is as if your muscles respond to your emotional state.  It can cause you to feel listless and lifeless.  Things that used to bring you joy simply don’t any more.  Your appreciation for those things will return; but in the meantime, your spouse may be frustrated as his or her attempts to lift your spirit with these things fall flat.

Grieving affects your appetite.  Some people crave nurture food when they grieve and others eat less.  If your relationship has problems with food, grief can shake it up.  If dieting is a big part of your relationship, turning to food can cause a great deal of stress.  If your partner is concerned that you are eating too little, he or she can come across as a nagging mother and cause consternation.

Grief Is An Expression Of Love

When grief accompanies a loss through death or separation; landmines (in the form of memories and habits) lie everywhere.  My dog Buddy was my shadow.  With his declining health, I was in the habit of sneaking out of my office when taking little breaks so as to not wake the sleeping giant.  Usually I failed at this and he would pull himself up off the floor, following me to the kitchen or laundry or wherever.  During this first week following his death, whenever I get up from my desk my stomach clinches as I anticipate trying to sneak out, hoping he’ll continue to sleep, only to find the floor beside my desk is empty.  When the loss is a family member and the landmine is, for instance, bath time with a child that no longer takes place, grief can be crippling to the parents and to their relationship.

The solution to the problem is time and patience.  Joy will return.  Happiness will come back.  Sleeping through the night will occur.  Laughter will fill the belly.  These things and more will creep back into your life (or your loved one’s life) unexpectedly.  You won’t be able to plan them on your calendar but they will return.  In the meantime, recognizing the toll grief takes while choosing to be patient begins the healing process.

If you or a loved one are in the throws of grief, hang in there.  Grief is an expression of love.  Remind yourselves that a day will come when choosing joy will be the best expression of love for that absent person or pet.  In the meantime, giving grief the space it needs is love enough.

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Celebrities are notorious for quickie marriages, and it would seem obvious to many people that marrying someone you have only known a few weeks would increase your odds of failure…among other things. So perhaps a better question to ask is not what are the downsides, but rather…why? Why get married? So you can have a party?  It’s not like love has a shelf life.

Can A Quickie Marriage Be Successful?

What I do know about celebrities is they know something about success. It takes discipline, skill and focus (and perhaps a little luck) to turn your desire into reality. I am not convinced that celebrities understand the game they are in, that is, when it comes to relationships. I feel whatever their motivations for wedlock—“looks good, feels good,” ratings, or whatever—they would benefit by focusing on the fact that the same commitment, discipline and skill that supported their success is needed to enjoy a successful relationship; particularly a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable one.

While celebrity marriages may seem qualitatively different than the average boy-meets-girl scenario, all relationships thrive best when they rest on a solid foundation. In some ways, the celebrity relationship needs to pay even greater mind to this, as their relationship is subject to stresses, pressure and scrutiny that on a good day most of us cannot even fathom.

So I would say to anyone considering a quickie marriage, go for it! IF you have managed in this three-week period to establish the following, at minimum:

-Their top three non-negotiables.
-If this person is worthy of their unconditional devotion and respect.
-A strong “out” clause or good consciousness agreement.
-If they themselves are a strong, loyal, devoted, trustworthy partner.
-They have revealed all their deep secrets or habits that have the potential to destroy the relationship if not revealed and healed.
-They have cleaned up all their past relationships.
-Have the capacity to tell the truth despite the consequences, and see the value of truth as a cornerstone of their relationship.
-Love each other’s friends and current daily lifestyle.
-Have agreed upon children and child-rearing responsibilities.
-Understand and are in alignment about money.
-They are confident in each other’s ability to negotiate their feelings and concerns responsibly.
-Know what each other values most in life.
-Have shared and are in alignment and support of their 10-year plan.
-Have agreed to see someone (either within the family or outside) to act as an unbiased counselor, to help support the relationship should they get stuck or feel they cannot resolve any matter that has the potential to end the relationship.

Off To A Good Start

This, I believe, would afford anyone a good start. While relationships are a great breeding ground for personal development, chemistry as a litmus test for the potential of a relationship is too often a crash-and-burn method & can be quite painful. Rather than each failed relationship being a lesson learned, the pain becomes either fuel for the next one or a barrier to intimacy.

In our 20’s we are at a peak in some ways, in terms of learning about who we are and who we are not, and oftentimes get into relationships based largely on chemistry—without having acquired some essential relationship tools and turned them into skills. Life will teach us soon enough. The good news is, if you really want a healthy relationship, you are in a position to develop these skills, provided you have interviewed each other and revealed their shadows and non-negotiables to each other. Some of these deal-breakers, like infidelity or drug or alcohol addiction, are things that you want to know before you get married, not after!

Related articles:

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5. Sexless Marriage? Here’s What To Do

Over the weekend, I watched as newlyweds innocently tore at their relationship when he treated her like she was his mom and she treated him like he was her little boy.

At one point, someone needed him for something and as he was finished with his coffee, he handed his empty cup to his wife and said, “Here, honey.”  As he left to go where he was needed she said derisively, “Thanks, for giving me your trash, honey!”  It caught him off guard as he did a double take.  But he didn’t try to remedy the situation.

Later, as they were seated and talking to someone nearby, she reached up and scrubbed his head the way you’d treat a little boy.  I mean a little guy – someone at least younger than nine years old if not at least younger than five, actually!  He shrunk from her touch, ducking and scowling while gently growling, “Don’t do that!”  His dignity was compromised but he attempted to protect hers even as he told her to stop.

Treating Your New Spouse Like A Child

When he handed his wife his empty cup, he may as well have said, “Here, mom!”  It’s what kids do with their mothers.  She didn’t like being treated like a mother by her man; but then later, she treated him like a youngster.

There are a number of dynamics occurring here.  This relationship is several years old and included the two of them living together, but the marriage isn’t yet six months old.  Something changes in a relationship when the marital knot is tied.  It doesn’t matter how enlightened you may be nor does it matter how committed you were to each other before you got married, something concrete shifts in your relationship dynamics when you wed.

One reason this shift happens is because once you are married; you become family to one another.  That legal bond is deeply affecting.  When you become family, the relationship is at a new stage where natural and understandable mistakes happen.  One of these is dropping into a pattern of demonstrating love the way you were loved by your parents.

Doing Away With Your Sex Drive

It’s the darndest thing and completely annoying; because when you show each other love the way your parents loved you, it pours cold water on your desire for each other.  No healthy man wants to make love to his mother or daughter and no healthy woman wants to make love to her father or son.  So, when you try to fill those roles with each other, it dampens your sex drive.

When you treat each other like children or parents in public places, you humiliate yourselves, creating resentment.  This also does nothing for your sex drive towards each other!

Another way getting married affects a relationship is that in a marriage, life just works easiest when there is a leader and a follower.  I think we instinctively know this and so when we wed, we create power struggles to determine who will lead and who will follow.  Treating each other like a child or parent is one of the fastest ways to engage in a power struggle to determine who will come out on top.

Treating Your Partner Like…A Partner

As a leading expert on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I can assure you that the newlywed game of treating each other like children (or parents) is chronic.  It takes vigilance to bring it to a halt.  The only way to do it is to treat it like a bad habit.  Even if it is a brand new habit born of the newness of the relationship, treat it like an old habit because it’s something that has a hold of you in a deep place inside.  It will not give up the fight easily!

You will begin by catching yourself after the offensive act or remark.  It may be days and days of catching yourself after the fact before you can catch yourself in the middle of it.  Once you are catching yourself in the middle of treating him or her like a child or parent, just stop right there.  You can tell each other what you hope to accomplish.  I promise, your effort will be appreciated!

One fine day, you will find that you catch yourself before you belittle your man or confuse your woman with your mother.  That will be a fine day indeed!  Keep up the good work and a time will arrive when it just doesn’t happen anymore.  By then your respect and cherishing of one another will have grown with multiple benefits besides!

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5. When A Woman Needs To Be Right

It’s for the wrong reasons. We’ve all heard about the more common situations under which a pregnancy isn’t a good idea, even if it’s planned. Things like getting pregnant to keep the man, to try and save the relationship, or to create a bigger purpose in your life. But here’s another ill-advised reason to procreate: an attempt to recapture those feel-good hormones  people experience during pregnancy along with the attention from friends and family.

Women in these situations should look at the reasons why they’re desiring this type of attention and endorphin rush. In my book, Make up, Don’t Breakup I talk about why relationships stagnate and then go south and investigate ways to keep this from happening. If you’re searching for attention and connection, examine that with your partner before you bring another person into your lives!

Reasons Not To Get Pregnant Right Now

It’s financially stressful. Sure, there’s never a PERFECT time to have a baby, but naturally certain times are better than others! With the financial strain many of us are facing now, it’s simply not wise to add and additional financial burden to the equation. Which brings me to my next point.

Doing so can create strain in a relationship. In many Bumpaholic situations, the women often strongly desires to get pregnant while the man may be more reticent. Pressuring a partner into having a baby can be one of the most dangerous forms of financial infidelity. Not only can it easily become a point of contention between partners, it can also present an unhealthy and volatile environment to bring a kid into.

It’s denying feelings at the core. I touched on this in my first point, but when it comes to feel-good hormones and attention paid to us, it’s only natural to want more! We have a biochemical craving for connection, as I mention in my book Financial Infidelity, that spurs us on to want to connect with the important people in our lives. When those needs aren’t met by our parents, we can try to overcompensate for that as we become parents ourselves, by looking to create a large family. Or it can be a reflection of the abandonment people feel from their significant other, or from life in general. As our society becomes busier and busier we pull away more and more from the relationships that should be an integral part of our lives. Creating a baby with someone not only allows us to feel close to that person, but gives us someone to lavish our affection, emotion and energy on.

These are all dangerous reasons for bringing kids into the world! Just as alcoholics must examine their relationship to alcohol and what drives them into the destructive habit, so too must a mom looking for fulfillment through pregnancy look at her reasons for doing so.

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My gal pal told me she read a book this guy wrote ( If I had one less scruple, I might tell you his name–for now, we’ll call him something friendly, like Penile Supremacist…PS for short. Fine–forget that, let’s just call him Jack. There! Who can argue with that?) So JACK made quite an impression on my not-so-easily-impressionable gal pal recently. She rang me straight away to give me the scoop.

“Maryanne, you’re not going to believe what @#$% says in his book!” She’s known me for 15 years now, knows that in general male/female issues have been in my top 10 list of favorite things to get bunged up about…particularly when they’re coming from downwind, let’s say. Historically, she delivers the message and then runs for cover. As she started recounting “The top10 qualities women are looking for in relationship with men.” Here’s all I can remember:

Top Qualities Women – And Men – Are Looking For

1) Presence
2) Intelligence
3) Sense of humor

But then she started in on the men’s list – which I remember every detail of. But then, it’s not difficult to remember – here you go:

1) Great in the sack
2) Great in the sack
3) Great in the sack
4) Great in the sack
5) Great in the sack…

Stop me if I’m going too fast, here. I’m sure JACK doesn’t mean to reduce all men to one silly mantra, and I must give him credit for the fact that he then asked these gentleman to rethink the question, and they did come up with some insightful, significant qualities they are looking for in their relationships with women.

But I feel I must respond to these beliefs with some beliefs of my own: We have developed skills beyond pounce and attack. How does someone who is in the position of teaching open, impressionable people get away with spouting ancient stereotypes like he was proud of the “well-known fact” that men often think with their smorgasbords?

The point is–well, one point is: Making love is an art – and it’s not just about the sex. It’s no wonder so many women think being great in the sack is a good investment of their time. How about we all revisit that list, people…take pen and paper and make your own list. Look and see what unconscious ideas you may have about the other sex…’cause when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!

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It reminded me of the scene in the movie, The Ugly Truth, where Mike tells Abby that personal growth ends for men at toilet training!  And then I read the words of a respected spiritual advisor that went something like this, “You wouldn’t leave the nurturing and care of your business in the hands of a kindergartner, why do you leave the nurturing and care of your relationship in the hands of your husband?!”  That spiritual advisor, by the way, is a man not a woman!

Can You Change A Man?

When information comes in threes, I pay attention.  What is the message here and is it any deeper than, “Don’t expect a man to change?”  I think the answers are yes and yes; there is a message and it is deep.

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Creating A Path For Healthy, Happy Relationships

Much of my work focuses on how women relate to the opposite sex, why they make the decisions that they do, how they can make better decisions, and begin by loving THEMSELVES. While all this is also true for men, of course, it tends to have greater appeal to the gals. However, I’m also interested in how the male mind relates to relationships, and I there are many, many guys out there who are on paths toward fulfilling, honest and healthy relationships. So lately I’ve been tapping into this demographic, in preparation for my next book which will be specifically geared for the men!

In the process of doing so, I’ve asked a lot of questions, talked about a lot of so-called “taboo” subjects, and been impressed and humbled by the honest answers I’ve been given. What I’ve come up with is this: How we approach relationship and sex cannot be separated from our values about children, marriage and family (considering one primary unconscious drive is to procreate). Having stated the obvious, it’s what isn’t so obvious that I would like to help illuminate with my next book, so as a culture we are better equipped to raise healthy, thriving children, rather than continue the cycle of dysfunction we each in our own way struggle to be free of.

What Men Need To Know Before Pursuing A Relationship

What I’ve gathered through this research is a series of questions, a few of which I will list here, that I think it’s important for guys to know the answers to before they seek out their ideal relationship.

So men, it’s your turn to tell your version, your truth, and here are a few questions to help you get started (if you’re so inclined, we would LOVE for you to email your answers – or your story, or both! – to info@maryannelive.com. We read and respond personally to each email and I may feature you in upcoming work!

1. Do you respect women?
2. How do you respect them?
3. At the end of the day, do you feel it’s ultimately a woman’s job to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant?
4. If someone you have sex with does get pregnant and decides to keep the baby, what responsibility do you have to this child and to the mother?
5. What do you think a father’s responsibilities are?
6. What qualities should a woman look for in a man they want to have children with?
7. Why do you feel we have such an epidemic of “absent“fathers in our culture?
8. What makes a great father?
9. What sacrifices are men generally unwilling to make to be a great father?
10. What will you never give up to be a great husband and father?

As you ponder these questions – and these are only a few of the ones I’ve been asking the men in MY life! – here’s a little feedback from men I’ve worked with who are asking the big questions about how they relate to the opposite sex.

In this video, my husband talks to my first men’s relationship class about why friction is good in a relationship!

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Pregnancy Problems?

But this birthing trend can reveal some issues that are less than warm-and-fuzzy. The problem may actually start with those feel-good hormones people experience during pregnancy along with the attention from friends and family. But wanting to re-capture those feelings, even subconsciously, can make for an unhealthy outcome – and an unhealthy relationship with your baby.

According to psychiatrist Carole Lieberman, M. D, “Women who are obsessed with being pregnant are literally filling an emptiness inside of them, just as alcoholics and drug addicts use substances to fill a psychological void.” It makes sense: we all want to feel less lonely, and for many, babies help them do just that. And this “fix” can easily become a cycle – when an infant becomes a more independent toddler the mom may search to fill the void again by having a baby.

Bumpaholics

These “bumpaholic” behaviors can ao be traced back feelings of abandonment by their own parents, which in turn creates that desire to not be alone or lonely. We have a biochemical craving for connection, as I mention in my book Financial Infidelity, that spurs us on to want to connect with the important people in our lives. When those needs aren’t met by our parents, we can try to overcompensate for that as we become parents ourselves, by looking to create a large family. Or it can be a reflection of the abandonment people feel from their significant other, or from life in general. As our society becomes busier and busier we pull away more and more from the relationships that should be an integral part of our lives. Creating a baby with someone not only allows us to feel close to that person, but gives us someone to lavish our affection, emotion and energy on.

These are all dangerous reasons for bringing kids into the world! Just as alcoholics must examine their relationship to alcohol and what drives them into the destructive habit, so too must a mom looking for fulfillment through pregnancy look at her reasons for doing so.

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Are Opposite Sex Friendships Harmful?

There’s a movement across the land of the free encouraging people to restrict their interaction with members of the opposite sex because an innocent, platonic friendship can become emotional infidelity, eventually becoming physical. I even recently wrote an article for AskDanandJennifer.com about the vulnerability of opposite sex friendships becoming emotional affairs prior to getting physical. However, I did not offer advice at the extreme I heard recently. That extreme advice was to just say no to friendships with the opposite sex. That’s just crazy! Although, I must say, it isn’t surprising in a society where six year old little boys can be suspended from school when they “sexually harass” their teachers!

While there is benefit to paying attention to whether or not you are more excited to see a co-worker than you are your spouse, suggesting you might have a crush on the co-worker with the need to wake up to that fact; refusing to make friends with the opposite sex when you are in a committed relationship only adds fire to fuel of infidelity. What you resist persists. It is why various charismatic preachers have been caught with their pants down with the wrong woman or man through the years. Putting too much attention on what’s wrong with sex, suggests one protests too much. And if that is true then before too long it will come around to bite one in the butt.

More Comfortable With Violence Than Sexual Expression?

I don’t know if erotic fundamentalists are like other kinds of fundamentalists who are more comfortable with violence than they are with sexual expression. I suspect they are. A prescription for infidelity that includes refusing to make friends with the opposite sex suggests that sexuality is to be considered repugnant. Sex, more than love, is the source of life. You can have babies with or without love. But only sex brings forth life. In my experience, those who find sex repugnant, find violence appealing.

Our television and movie viewing habits reveal America’s obsession with violence and revulsion of sex. I remember when I read that a movie is given an NC-17 rating when the people copulating in it reach orgasm at the same time. If the director edits the film so that their orgasms occur seconds apart, they can have an R rating and increase their audience.

The Ugly Truth?

I thought I was above the preference for violence over sex thing until I saw “The Ugly Truth” for the first time. Having a not-so-secret crush on Gerard Butler, I couldn’t wait to see him in a chick flick where his character didn’t have to die! As I sat through my first viewing of the movie, I found myself laughing at the raunchy humor while dying a little inside. Gerard quickly fell off the pedestal I’d had him on. In one scene in particular, he uses the phrase “flick the bean” repeatedly, referring to a woman pleasuring herself.

I left the movie remembering his performances in “Phantom of the Opera” and “300,” saying, “King Leonidas and the Phantom do not say, ‘flick the bean!’ They’re too classy for that!” Then I added, “Of course, they kill people but they don’t say, ‘flick the bean!’” I was humbled to realize I was just like every other American who was comfortable with violence, uncomfortable with sex.

I went back and saw “The Ugly Truth” a second time. It really is best not to put anyone on a pedestal whether they are a real part of your life or part of that grand public parade out there. It was much better for me the second time around!

We do not need to constrict our expressions of love, affection, and friendship with anyone – opposite or same sex person. Resisting the natural inclination for innocent flirtations with and genuine support of friends will not cure what ails us. Being attracted to someone other than your spouse or significant other simply means you are still in the game. You are still alive and vibrant. And, if you like this language, it means your kundalini is healthy. Take responsibility for how you express love, affection, and friendship but please don’t call it quits. If you do, you’ll not only do violence to your heart and soul; you’ll likely find yourself single again and able to flirt all you want with whomever you want while your broken heart keeps you company.

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It’s a bit of a different tack than the one taken by Jenny Sanford, wife of fallen politician Mark Sanford who has lied about being on vacation when he was out of the country visiting his mistress. As I’ve mentioned before, Jenny is seemingly engaging in what I call a “make up to break up” – she threw him out but left the door open.

Temporary Breakups To Reconnect

A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Creating this strategy – and it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly – is not the end of the relationship, but rather a new beginning. When you break up to make up you get an endorphin rush, they don’t want you till you don’t want them.

Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life – and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving – to having a physical, emotional or financial affair. If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal – but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.

Forgiving Adultery Or Condoning It?

Although the public ramifications of Mark’s affair weren’t known until more recently, Jenny says she knew of it as early as January. Yet according to the New York Daily news, as recently as June he begged his wife to let him go visit his mistress. “I said absolutely not. It’s one thing to forgive adultery; it’s another thing to condone it.”

People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high.

So it remains to be seen how things play out with the Sanfords and if Jenny’s “break up” will be successful, or if she’ll end up like the fictional counterparts on The Good Wife – looking to support her family on her own.

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One of the gals I taught in one of my workshops told me she recently started dating again. She’s in a good place to do so – her self-care practice is stronger than ever, she’s spent time getting to know who SHE is and what she wants. She has a relationship plan and tools in her relationship tool belt. She is gainfully employed, has other work filled with her mission and purpose that she is building on the side, lives where she wants, takes care of her body, puts good things in her mind and prays for guidance.

What Is It About A Relationship That Causes Us To Have Negative Feelings About Ourselves?

But, like all of us, she struggles from time to time when trying to decide who she wants to be with. Like many of us she is still attracted to what looks good and feels good, but perplexed about why that almost always leads to: “Makes me feel bad about myself in the morning.” And even though she has made her list of non-negotiables and written extensively about the character and makeup of her potential partner, she turns into a deer in the headlights when a certain type of person enters the scene. How many of us have been THERE before?! I know I have! And there’s a way out of the headlights, as my student found.

She told me about two men she was recently attracted to and interested in. One she had known casually over some years, the other she met randomly. The first person was handsome, courteous, grounded, and his words were consistent with his actions. The second gentleman, while their initial meeting was considerably more electric, was not entirely who he made himself out to be. Turns out, while he was interested in getting to know her, he was not available for more than dating, nor did he call when he said he would.

She shared with me the truth about their meeting, and that she could feel how this guy was like the type of guy she was traditionally attracted to. And at the same time as she recognized this, she also saw that she felt bad about herself almost immediately after meeting him. Whereas bachelor number one has been consistent, even and honest. Fortunately, because today she loves herself and wants a great relationship, she snapped out of it.

Sometimes we’ve just got give up the flames for the slow burn!!!

I said this was going to be simple and really, honestly, it is. Is it true these folks that “bring out the worst in us” have something to teach us? Yes. Or that they are mirroring a part of ourselves that perhaps we do not like? Yes, that is also true. There are a million things we tell ourselves to justify getting into a relationship with the wrong person because, often, it just feels good … at the beginning.

Learning The Hard Lesson

However-and this is a big however-Why choose your primary love relationship to be a battlefield of personal development if you don’t have to? In other words, if you want to “work on your issues” why not deal with your childhood wounds or mom/dad material head-on? Read books. Nurture yourself. Go to therapy. Delve deeply into your subconscious mind and free yourself from these imprints, low self-esteem or self-worth issues. You don’t have to spend your precious time with, have sex with, move in with, or marry them.

Changing certain self-defeating behavior is, like I always say, like pulling a jet plane out of a nose dive. But do not fret. With enough persistence and a daily practice of self-love you are sure to eventually prevail and, like so many of us converts, ultimately make better and better relationship choices, in all areas of your life! And I will keep you posted on our hopeful bachelorette!

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