Ask Dan and Jennifer

Learning From Michael Jackson

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 01:00:31 +0000

With Michael Jackson’s passing recently, the world lost a great musician who contributed infinitely to our cultural and musical landscape – he touched so many different worlds from fashion to culture to music and beyond. But there’s no doubt that he lived rather tragically toward the end of his life. From a perspective of the outside looking in, there are a few things we can learn from him in the realm of relationships and finances (and a lot more in many other areas as well!):

What’s your “Imago”?

How do you look at your money based on your past? This is tricky for most of us and no doubt even trickier for someone who starts in show biz as a kid, but it’s an important step to take in having a healthy financial outlook. The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances – which leads to my next point.

Engage In Dialogue

I teach a technique called “Smart Heart Dialogue” where I instruct people on how to talk about money and other volatile topics within their closest relationships. Perhaps Michael Jackson had a close confidant – and I hope he did – but he seemed isolated and when we shy away from having someone who we can have real, difficult situations with is crucial to connecting on a personal, fundamental level.

Don’t Give Into Financial Infidelity

Whether we have enough money or we’re financially strapped, financial infidelity can still be taking place. Financial Infidelity (as I talk about in my book by the same name) like sexual infidelity, is spurred on by feelings of stress, loss and separation. As with any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. I call this the “biochemical craving for connection,” as the addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again. It’s something that’s understandably developed by people who are always “on,” who feel they always have to be on top.

Your Money Gram

Along these lines, I strongly believe that doing a “money gram” is one of the most crucial things you can do for yourself to understand what your financial history and tendencies are. This will help you to understand your attitudes, fears, beliefs and patterns in your money history. It may draw attention to issues you weren’t aware of. Ask questions like “how was money handled in my family?” “Was I aware of any financial troubles as a kid?” “How did this affect my view of money?” “Was money used as punishment or reward?” How has this influences my finances as an adult?”

The C-Spot and G-Spot Orgasm Cocktail

Jessica Perez, author Faster Female Orgasm — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 15:46:41 +0000

Women have two main sex zones: the clitoris and the g-spot or the Grafenberg spot. Most women come via clitoral stimulation. Not really surprising as it’s the one more accessible between the two. And if you’ve ever had a g-spot orgasm then you KNOW how earth-shattering THAT can be.

So why not aim for higher sexual heights with a ‘blended orgasm’?

What’s a Blended Orgasm?

As the name suggests, a blended orgasm is one where you climax via your clitoris (c-spot) AND Grafenberg spot (g-spot). As these pleasure zones are located in different places, the orgasm that you feel from one largely differs from the other. As a result, if you can stimulate both and climax from both simultaneously, then you can say you’ve hit the mother load of climaxes!

The Blended O… Solo

Before you run off to tell your man that you want a blended orgasm, take some time to figure out how to do this first on your own. This way, you can guide him better and can remove any possible awkwardness or frustration later together in bed.

The best way to try this is to close the curtains (or dim the lights), play some soft music, and then lie down. When you feel relaxed, start to stimulate your clitoris. No rush, just take your time.

When you’re finally wet and really aroused, leave off your c-spot for a while and go seek your g-spot. Insert your index finger inside and try to feel alongside the front wall of your vagina for a slightly rough and engorged nub. In general, you g-spot should feel like the upper side of your mouth. Don’t worry; when you’re close the g-spot you will definitely feel it because waves of arousal will hit you.

Note that as you stimulate your g-spot, you may feel this sudden urge urinate. Oftentimes, this is when things go wrong because women, thinking that they’ll embarrass themselves by peeing, will start to tense up and demand for the stimulation to stop. On the contrary, just keep on going and this feeling will soon come to pass.

Now as you feel yourself nearing your g-spot climax, use your other hand (or if your fingers are long enough and you can angle your hand properly, use the thumb on the same hand you’re suing to stimulate your g-spot) to go back and titillate your clitoris.

All I can say at this point is get ready for tremendous tremors to rock your body!

The Blended O… In Tandem

Now that you know how to bring yourself to a combi-orgasm, it’s time to bring your lover into the equation.

Lie down as comfortably as you can on the bed and ask your men to prop your hips with a small pillow. (This is to elevate your groin.) To warm you - and him - up, ask for some oral loving.

When you’re all hot and wet, tell him now’s the time to enter. As he thrusts, his penis should hit the gspot (thanks to your slightly elevated position). If this is not the case, then tilt your hips higher. If it helps, tell him to ‘drag’ you to the edge of the bed so that he’s standing as he thrusts. Continue until you’re just about to burst from a g-spot climax.

When you feel this is the case, then either ask him to finger your clitoris or do it yourself. (Nice visuals for him!)

AGAIN… all I can say at this point is get ready for tremendous tremors to rock your body!

Sex Positions for More Blended Oomph

Now that you guys have the Blended O basics covered, it’s time to experiment with new positions!

Try doggy-style. When you get on all fours, your behind is naturally slightly tilted already. As such, his penis is correctly angled to hit your g-spot like a marked bull’s eye! For the Blended O to occur, simply reach down and fondle your clitoris or better yet ask him to do it!

Try reverse woman-on-top. Women just love the woman-on-top position because we get to control the depth, speed, and even the roughness of intercourse. Well here’s another reason to love this position, it’s great for c-spot and g-spot stimulation especially when you do reverse woman-on-top (i.e., when you stride him the other way and you’re facing his feet).

As you ride his pole, reach down and make sure your c-spot does not feel neglected. Contract and relax your internal muscles to ensure increased friction between your genitals. Plus, it’s a nice treat for his penis!

And for the third time… all I can say at this point is get ready for tremendous tremors to rock your body!

Take just a minute to check out ‘Faster Female Orgasm’: “How To Reach Orgasm During Intercourse In Just 5 Minutes (Or Less)”

Is There Such Thing As TOO MUCH Self-Help?

Maryanne Comaroto — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:45:14 +0000

My answer to this question is: “yes.” I came to this conclusion in my mid-30s after asking myself this very thing over and over. At the time I was well, I guess what you could call obsessed with self-esteem-building, spirit-lifting, relationship-advising, co-dependent, neurotic, feminist, esoteric, astrological, paleontological, philosophical paradigms and relief. There was enough of it in my personal library to diagnose and heal several galaxies.

Looking For Self-Help?

I had it all – from the esoteric to Far East philosophies to New Age modalities and even the dead: Kierkegaard, Swedenborg, Kant, Borges. And I didn’t stop there: I devoured books on sex, business, the inner workings of the mind and ecstatic dance. If it was nonfiction and said “help” ANYWHERE in or on the book, I READ IT! I was on a path (with frequent intermissions) to find out EXACTLY how to be free and NOT suffer unless absolutely necessary. Spoiler alert: I ended up finding what I was looking for, but not in the way I thought I would. As you might imagine, I was over-loaded, and this form of my quest came to an abrupt halt at 33. I had crossed a line.

And funnily enough, just prior to that I had asked myself—or rather, I heard that still small voice that I hear and know as the Great Divine inside of me say… “Maryanne…dear. Can it be, after so many years of relentless pursuit of the internal fortress you seek, that the answer does not lie somewhere in even one of these books?”

When Self-Help Lies Within Yourself

I was actually embarrassed, because in all this time it was like that notion had been too simple to even cross my mind. Yet in that moment, I realized how truly profound it was. When you come down to it, awakening and staying awake is not a new concept. Yes, we are complicated beings, but many great people have devoted their lives to taking on the complex material of spiritual laws and have done a really tremendous job of breaking it down for us. Yet there I was, face-to-face with a question that led me across the abyss of awareness – KNOWING all the stuff that was in all those books didn’t really help me at all! - to transformation.

It was time, at last, to take all “I knew” and actually create a practice. You see, I had become addicted to the buzz. A self-help junkie. And why not? I am pretty sure that of all my addictions this one actually paid off! But like all things the time had come for me to fish or cut bait. Change or die—well, I wanted to die, anyway.

Don’t Force It - It Will Come Naturally!

SO - I woke up! Yup. Just like that. For me it took what it took, and, like all of us on a path, it takes what it takes – we can’t force it, and we can’t expect it. It just happens.. So could it be that had I read one book fewer I would have had my awakening, being delivered from suffering? Would I not have found that which I had sought my entire life? I can never know, it seems.

What I do know is that when asked the question: “What do you want? And what are you willing to do about it?” The answer for me was simple. I wanted true freedom of being and freedom from suffering. I said a prayer. “God, please show me the way!” And I woke up. But not before I had spent almost twenty years trying everything else!

That “Mothering” Tone Of Voice And Behavior Does Not Work For A Man: Which Means It Doesn’t Work for You!

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 00:49:54 +0000

“How can we have a loving relationship with anyone if we spend most of the time thinking about how awful it (the relationship) is?” ~ Joseph Bailey

I found that awesome quote online today along with a woman’s wonderful response to it. She talked about how she used to disrespect her husband and denigrate her marriage. As a Christian, she’d come to understand that words have the power of life and death in them. It’s a powerful push to take responsibility for every word that proceeds from your mouth! She said she was learning how to uplift and encourage her husband, sowing seeds of positive potential in herself, her husband, and their marriage. She also said it was working.

Are You Mothering - And Emasculating - Your Man?

The other day, I overheard some young women discussing their men. Some were married and others were in committed relationships. But they were all complaining about two things. One was how they themselves have no faith in their men that their men can do anything around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together “right.” So, they were complaining about the narrowness of their own viewpoints. The other thing they were complaining about is how their men can do nothing around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together right! They saw the problem in themselves but, ultimately, refused to take full responsibility for it.

As they continued to share, I overheard women talking about their men using emasculating, mothering tones of voices. As they reported conversations they’d had with their men, it quickly became apparent that they used those tones of voices face to face with their men. Even I, one of the leading experts on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, found it astonishing that these women had no idea how they sounded or what kind of damage those mothering tones of voices do to their relationships.

One of the women shared how her husband sometimes told her that he didn’t want to hear her talk to him that way anymore. He didn’t want her constant correcting of him or how he ran his life. In about a second, she shifted from overbearing mother figure to fragile, little girl defending her actions and words because this is the only way she knows how to love. The problem right there is that this woman only knows how to relate to her man, probably to all men, as either a mother or a little girl. She isn’t fully established in her femininity, in her grown up woman self. Sadly, she is clueless about the problem or how to fix it.

The solution is simple but requires self-discipline. If you are a woman like this or if you are in a relationship with a woman like this; pay attention. The following advice could change your life!

See Your Man In A Whole New Light - And Improve Your Relationship

First of all, stop using the mothering tone of voice. Your upbringing may have taught you that you are superior to men, but that was a lie. You are not. Continuing to believe you are will result in further damaging your relationship and any chance of being truly happy in a relationship.

Secondly, stop believing he cannot do it right. Whatever “it” is, his way is as valid as yours. It doesn’t matter if you are more efficient, experienced, neat, tidy, etc. His way is as valid as yours.

Third, actively practice choosing to sit still, keep quiet, and trust him. Treat him like the adult he is, as the adult you are. You may rediscover how funny, mysterious, and lovely the opposite sex can be.

Those three things are easier said than done. That is why it takes self-discipline to make a difference in this particular circumstance. But it can be done. You will find that every time you succeed, you feel that explosive giggle threatening to erupt, exposing your relief to not have to be in control! More importantly, every time you fail, you will discover another opportunity to try again is right around the corner. You are used to delivering a scolding, mothering tone of voice to the person you hold most dear – a person who is a grown man and not a little boy. Beware of turning that scolding tone on yourself. The fourth step that underpins the first three is to release the need to judge you yourself harshly. It will help you cease judging everyone else harshly too.

Life is too short for so much control and harshness ruling your life! Go for the gold in your relationship. That means choose love, compassion, understanding, and fulfillment for yourself and the pair of you. You, he, and your relationship are worth it.

Don’t Lose Yourself To Get Love

Maryanne Comaroto — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 12:52:13 +0000

Far too many people have the notion that in order to find and keep love in our lives, we must first abandon our authentic selves to become some version of whatever the other person wants us to be. Most of us, at some point, learned this was a good idea – maybe from our parents, from our friends, as kids, or even later in our adult lives. However it happened, most of us are imprinted with the belief that love has to be earned—or, at minimum, looks a certain way. (IE. I do this or that and then you’ll love me.) Dr. Helen Fisher, whom I greatly esteem, calls this your love map.

What Is A Love Map?

And I strongly recommend you learn what your love map looks like - Intimately! Otherwise you end up falling victim to the unconscious loop that most of us repeat over and over, and NOT in a good way. Here are some fateful patterns I’ve seen far too often: you always attract people who cheat, are narcissists, are abusive, have no drive, are alcoholic or addicted to pornography, or perhaps they just can’t seem to tell the truth about anything (especially when it comes to where they have been and who with); and the list literally goes on and on.

Making the distinction between who I am being (my persona or inauthentic self) and my true self (or authentic self) is the first step in the process of awakening, which leads to the eventual shift from unconsciously and reflexively choosing the same type of relationship over and over again.

Over the last 25 years of working in the personal development industry I have learned some amazing things, some absolutely life-altering truths that have become creed because they were ultimately irrefutable (true whether or not I believed them).

What Is NOT Love?

Few rival my understanding of what love is NOT:

Chemistry is not love. Chemistry is…well…chemistry.

Desire is not love. Hmmm, yeah, it’s more like being addicted to the feeling of wanting something you can’t have, so you set yourself up again and again to feel it!

Longing is also not love!

Feeling lovesick isn’t love either. Confusing this with love most likely can be traced back to a love map laced with abandonment issues.

Infatuation, often confused with love, is a strong psychological projection onto the love object.

Lust, hmmm, a biological function designed to procreate. (Period.)

Abuse, definitely NOT. Usually a direct connection to our low- or no-self-esteem!

Neglect, no, not love either. There’s always time for some loving exchange!

Indifference. Ouch. Nope. Not likely. More likely booty call, or they’re just not into you at all!

Making Better Choices

For me, making this/these distinctions saved me a whole hellavalotta heart ache. I learned to make better choices and found that I respected myself even more when I focused on what was real and authentic about myself, rather than focusing on trying to figure out who you wanted or needed me to be. At first, like with many things, I had a tough time believing this was true and still find I can get caught in that trap. But overall, this awareness makes it possible for us to attract and create a healthy, loving relationship rather than one based on deserve and reward.

Curiosity Creates Romance

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 01:11:03 +0000

Hidden expectations are one of the primary things that hurt a relationship. The expectations go beyond the desire to be loved for who we are. They have to do with us looking good and being right where our friends and family are concerned.

The expectations include things like what we want this person to be like, what he or she should look like, sound like, and act like. They can be about wanting him or her to have a certain religion, a particular sense of humor, and a certain body type, even a desire for finger nails and toe nails to be shaped in a familiar way. Hair color and texture can matter. The sounds they make when they eat food or sip liquids. What they look like when they are about to bust a gut from laughing so hard.

Forgiving What Doesn’t Meet Our Expectations

In the beginning, whatever doesn’t meet your expectations falls under the grace of forgiveness. We forgive a lot of flaws in our partner when love is new. We are frequently forgiving because even as the peculiar laugh irritates, we are ashamed to find ourselves repulsed by our beloved. We extend ourselves past the uncomfortable feelings our expectations present because this person makes us feel seen, loved, and whole as no one else has before. How can we find flaws in someone with such godlike gifts of seeing, loving, and healing? Besides, he or she has the same experience of you! As a godlike creature in his or her life, how can you be so little as to have a problem with those pinky toes that lie sideways?

As time goes on and the honeymoon feelings fade, the little irritations get larger. Suddenly you are faced with a host of expectations you didn’t even know you had to meet that agenda of being right and looking good. This phenomenon is irritatingly predictable. It is based on the ties of loyalty that bind us to those who came before the romantic partner. If your family had a thing against redheads and the man you now love is a redhead, those wires are eventually going to cross. Because of loyalty, they are likely to cross with your beloved and make sparks there rather than between you and your family.

Having The Courage To Accept The Little Things Again…And Again

Truly accepting your beloved when you are forced to face the little repulsions that show up takes courage. You have to be brave to, even inside yourself, turn to your family and previous friends and choose your lover all over again. I mean, it really is silly to dislike his “outie” belly button just because no one in your family ever had one. It is also silly to cringe at her strong opinions just because your mother kept hers to herself. Many of these things you now have trouble with, you may have loved in the beginning just because in the face of those differences you felt such intimacy and vulnerability sharing them.

I have stumbled upon a cure for this phenomenon that threatens to undermine how close you feel to one another. The cure will renew a right spirit between you, fan the flames of the chemistry you still share, and make you long for each other’s company like in the old days.

Curiosity As A Cure

The cure is curiosity. Think back to a time when you were curious about something, anything. Wasn’t your mind open as a result? Didn’t it make a difference in your attitude and actions? For instance, you’re walking in your favorite park when out of the corner of your eye you spot something orange moving in the grass. You’re curious. You stop to look more closely. The orange is fuzzy and striped with white and darker shades of orange. Someone abandoned kittens in the park! If your curiosity remains heightened, your time in the park ends with scooping them up, taking them home, and having to decide whether to keep them or find them good homes.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone who wasn’t your “type?” Your “type” didn’t change. Your curiosity kicked in and you found yourself responding to someone’s mind, sense of humor, or kindness for a change. He or she felt like home and, with your curiosity heightened, you gave the possibility of love a chance.

Have you ever received horrible service at a restaurant, determined to leave a lousy tip to clearly send a message of your disapproval while contemplating confronting your server? Then you overhear a conversation between your server and the manager and you realize she has had a hell of a day. Your curiosity takes what you heard further and wonders just how bad a day it might have been. Next time she visits your table, you go out of your way to be friendly and kind, receiving a tentative smile from her. You decide to leave a big, fat tip in the hopes it will turn her day around. Curiosity made that shift happen.

Learning To Truly Love Through Curiosity

Curiosity makes positive shifts happen for lovers as well, restoring the romance and fanning the chemistry. The next time he’s talking a mile a minute and it’s all about him check the annoyance and ask yourself, “What’s he so excited about? This thing he’s talking about must be really important to him.” Let your curiosity take over. You will find yourself engaged in his conversation and, eventually, the conversation will come back around to you.

With those funny pinky toes of hers that lie at an awkward angle, wonder to yourself what they must have looked like when she was an infant and at least two people thought she and all ten of her toes were perfect. Your mind and heart will open and it will no longer matter that your last girlfriend had beautiful feet! The intimacy of loving this woman will win and you will too.

Curiosity opens the mind and the heart to new possibilities. Try applying it to your beloved and watch the passion rise!

How Do I Introduce BDSM To My Boyfriend? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:26:22 +0000

Everyone has their fantasy or fetish, and everyone likes different things. It’s part of what makes us such a sexually diverse culture! Many people are into BDSM, or bondage, whether it’s soft BDSM or really getting into dominant and submissive roles. If you like BDSM, how can you introduce it to your partner without getting rejected and possibly even involving them in your fetishes and fantasies?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m very comfortable with my sexuality and a little on the BDSM side… I’ve been this way for years. My fiance and I have done a few things, but I want to try even more - costumes, props, etc. I don’t think he knows how dark my sexual side can be. How can I bring it up to him without scaring him?

–Desiree, MO

Click here to view the embedded video.

Let Your Partner Go First

Ask your partner what turns them on. This is not the time for a “sit down” talk, rather, you want to ask him in a very nonchalant sort of way. Bring it up if you’re watching a romantic movie with a hot sex scene, or even if you’re watching pornography together. If you’re visiting the mall, pop into the lingerie store or even the novelty stores that carry some sex toys. Asking your partner what turns them on opens them up to their own fantasies and gets their minds going.

Introduce Yourself Slowly

Don’t break into your fetish by surprising your partner with a leash and collar while wearing a full black leather outfit. You might scare them off! Try incorporating light BDSM into your foreplay and sexual routine, such as using a feather duster or even a light whip. Try purchasing some racier lingerie, or sexy shoes that reflect what turns you on. You can even suggest roleplaying light BDSM roles, such as light submission or light dominance. You might find that your partner really likes this type of sex play and begins to get more into it! If this happens, just ease into your fetish or fantasy slowly, until you’re really sharing with your partner what you like and what turns you on.

Try A Fantasy Box

A “Fantasy Box” is something you and your partner can try if you’re really shy about sharing your fantasies with your partner or your partner is really shy about sharing their fantasies with you. Write down your fantasies on a scrap piece of paper and put it in the box. Have your partner do the same. Make a “rule” that once a week, a fantasy is pulled out of the box and is enacted. If some fantasies require planning, give you and your partner enough time to purchase costumes, etc. This can even be something fun that you do together that can bring you and your partner closer! Decorate the fantasy box with things you both find sexy to make it even more fun.

No matter what, your sex life should be enjoyable and fulfilled, no matter what fetish or fantasy you like. You might be surprised – your fetish or fantasy probably isn’t as uncommon as you think it is! If your partner is freaked out by your fetish, whether it’s BDSM or something else, and you can’t work past it, consider that they might not be the partner for you. Remember – there’s someone out there for everyone!

How Can I Dump Him/Break Up If He Pays The Rent? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:04:47 +0000

Taking that huge step to move in with your partner is a big decision. Before moving in with someone, make sure it’s what you really want. But what if the “damage” is done already? What if you’ve moved in with your partner and now you’re realizing that you just weren’t ready? How can you move out or break up with them if they’re the one who is paying the rent?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How can I dump him if I live with him and can’t afford my own rent?

–Jessica, LA

Click here to view the embedded video.

Figure Out What You Want

Okay, so do you want to just move out and try to continue the relationship while living separately, just like you did before you moved in together? Or do you want to break off the relationship and end it completely? Decide what you want and what you’re willing to do before talking to your partner. You want to be as clear and concise on how you want this situation to play out before your partner starts asking questions.

Be Honest

Honesty is often the best policy. Whether you want to break off the relationship or you simply want to go backwards a little bit and pursue the relationship with your partner like it was before you moved in with them, let your partner know that moving in with them was a step you decided to take too soon. If you want to keep the relationship, let your partner know that you really enjoy being with them, but you just weren’t ready to take that “move in” step and you need a little more space right now than living with them can provide. If you want to end the relationship, just let your partner know the truth - that moving in with them truly made you realize that this relationship wasn’t something you were ready for.

Financial Issues

You might be worried about the financial consequences of moving out of your partner’s place if they’re the ones that pay the rent. It can definitely be scary - but ask yourself what you were doing before you moved in with your partner? Were you living with a roommate? Were you living with your parents? Consider if you can literally go backwards and have the same living arrangements that you did before you moved in with your partner.

If that’s not going to work, consider changing jobs before you break the news to your partner. Earning more money is a great way to become financially independent and if this happens, you can consider living alone. If changing jobs isn’t a possibility, consider rooming with someone. You can put an ad out in the paper or on the internet for a roommate seeking a house or apartment, or you can search the ads for ones that other people have put up looking for a roommate themselves.

No matter what you decide to do, just make sure that your living arrangements are squared away before you talk to your partner. Your partner may agree with you, or not get angry, but then again they might. You need to be prepared to have somewhere to go if your partner should decide to ask you to leave immediately. The idea of arranging for somewhere else to live without letting your partner know may seem cruel or like you’re going behind their back, but in truth, you’re just taking care of yourself and you always need to do that.

Are Your Words Making You More Relationship Attractive?

Greg Halpen — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 01:14:19 +0000

Have there been times when you’ve had a heated argument with someone and you wished you could have been a little calmer? Your Emotional Channels get so flared up, you lose yourself and you say things you wish you hadn’t? Or do you hold on to your resentments and when you do finally explode you spew off random complaints in what I like to call, “the list.” The list is a series of complaints that you’ve built up over a period of time and when your HOT button gets pushed, you start rattling off a list of things you had a problem with, instead of communicating them when they happen.

Through my own experiences, especially when it comes to becoming more Relationship Attractive, I’ve discovered that healthy communication is essential for becoming a Date Smart and Relationship Ready single gay man. Now, think about this: Are YOU the type of person who is highly reactive when your emotions are at a high?

Myth vs. Reality

There’s also a deeply ingrained myth regarding conflicts and relationships; that it’s healthy when you’re in constant conflict in a relationship. Well, I would like to bust that myth by saying it’s simply NOT true and it doesn’t have to be that way. Sure, conflicts are part of human nature, and what’s also part of human nature is the ability to either come to a point where conflict is dealt with ease or you work on conflict skills so they are not so HEATED when you do find Mr. Wonderful…..but it doesn’t have to be a normal occurrence in relationships.

You can rest your heart, because just when you thought there was no way to turn it around, I’m here to tell you there is. As a blissful and successful single gay man myself I have spent an enormous amount of time working on how to mellow out the emotions when in conflict. This was a HUGE learning curve for me, but I set an intention, applied what the experts taught me and I can proudly say I’ve mastered it.

To cut your learning time by at least half, I am going to share with you a simple formula that will take you from reactionary to the calm and peaceful communicator that you know you can be. You will learn how to resolve conflict with ease that will eventually lead you to a more peaceful existence, especially when it comes to that special relationship you are working towards attracting.

Learning How To Communicate

1. Active Listening. Remember, when in conflict, it’s not really about them, it’s about you. Stay grounded, keep the blame factor to yourself and keep your emotions in check. Try this experiment: The next time someone comes to you with a “complaint or who is emotionally dumping on you,” try reflecting back what they’re say to you, using their words. That means, no interrupting to give your advice or input in the matter. Our egos want to WIN, but there are no winners here. It’s not a competition. Simply reflect back what they are saying by beginning each phrase with “So, what I’m hearing you say is…” and when they are done, ask if you might have a turn to respond. This will help ground you, force you to listen and help you put into perspective what they might be needing and after some practice you’ll react less and become a highly skilled listener.

2. Use your words. I spent a few years teaching preschool and one principle always sticks out in my mind. We taught our kids to “Use Their Words” when in conflict. I believe as adults the same principle holds a lot of power and value; especially if you’re stuck in reactionary mode. This was one of the biggest lessons for me as an adult. Sometimes as adults we don’t use our words when expressing frustration, anger or even joy. That doesn’t mean using inappropriate words, but words that serve you and the skills of healthy communication. Children ARE amazing teachers!

3. Choose your battles. Pardon me while I use that word, “battle.” By no means do I promote conflict. What I mean is, if conflict does arise, cool down and take some time to work through it yourself first. Ask yourself important questions like, “What do I need right now?” “How can I take care of myself without involving others?” “How important is it really and am I blowing the situation out of proportion?” You will be surprised by the answers, and just by taking some time to reflect and actually thinking about the situation you might actually discover that what you were angry about wasn’t all that important to begin with.

Your Relationship Attractive Homework

The only way change is going to happen is if you implement these steps right away CONSISTENTLY. I can remember a time when I would attend seminars and read self-help books and wondered why I didn’t see changes happening in my life. I soon realized that until I apply the tips and strategies in my own life CONSISTENTLY, nothing was going to change. Ask a friend to practice strategies 1 and 2 with you. Role playing can be fun and you both will gain so much value.

Sperm, Semen and Safe Sex - What You Need To Know (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 01:00:50 +0000

Sex education, unfortunately, is at a low nowadays. Although our society has evolved exponentially since sex was considered completely taboo – sex education is still primitive. Television shows, movies, music and even the Internet has taken sex to a completely new level, with songs about “booty calls” and nudity on prime time, but adults in this nation can’t bear to discuss more than the scant basics of sex with their youth. It’s about time somebody steps up and gives solid, useful information about every aspect of sex in an educational way so that our youth can make informed decisions about sex, oral sex and foreplay.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend gives me blow jobs, hand jobs, etc. Every time we play, this white sticky stuff come out, and then after a few minutes cum comes out - what is all this stuff coming out of me?

–Jason, TX

Click here to view the embedded video.

Sperm, Semen and Precum

Lots of girls want to know – what’s the skinny on sperm, semen and precum? What are they?

Precum – The clear, thinnish and somewhat sticky liquid that comes out of the head of the penis in small amounts during penile stimulation before he actually ejaculates. Precum can and does contain live sperm, although in significantly smaller amounts than actual semen.

Semen – The whitish, thicker fluid that comes out of the head of the penis during ejaculation that contains millions of sperm.

Sperm – Organisms carried within semen and precum that join with a woman’s egg to conceive a child.

Which Of These Can Get A Girl Pregnant?

In short – all of them! Precum and semen both contain sperm. Having unprotected sex without a condom, even before the man ejaculates, can get a woman pregnant. It is better to treat a penis like a loaded gun. Many women believe that allowing a man to have intercourse with her without a condom is safe, as long as the guy pulls his penis out of her vagina before he ejaculates, and ejaculates away from her vagina. While this is safer than allowing your partner to actually ejaculate inside you, it is not a way to protect against pregnancy. Sperm can travel out of the penis pretty much at any time – allowing a condomless penis to get within the vicinity of your vagina puts you at a definite risk of getting pregnant.

Don’t chance it! Even allowing your partner to rub his penis on the outside of your vagina without a condom can transmit sperm from the penis to the vagina and there’s a reason that sperm are called “little swimmers.” They travel! For the safest type of sex, use a condom to prevent pregnancy. You can also discuss with your doctor other methods of birth control that can be used in conjunction with a condom for added protection, or in lieu of a condom if your with an STD free partner and in a completely faithful, monogamous relationship.

Which Of These Can Transmit A Sexually Transmitted Disease?

In short – all of them! Again, treat a condomless penis like a loaded gun, even more so if you’re unsure if your partner has a sexually transmitted disease. To clarify, unless you have a piece of paper in your hand that says your partner has tested negative for STD’s and you’re 110% positive your partner has not had any type of sexual contact with anyone else since the test was taken, you’re unsure of whether your partner has an STD. Protect yourself. Both precum and semen can carry the HIV and AIDS virus, as well as other sexually transmitted diseases. It is important to be even more vigilant if you’re concerned about STD’s, however, because you don’t just have to worry about any fluids from your partner’s penis coming into contact with your vagina, you also have to worry about these fluids possibly coming into contact with your mouth or any open sores or cuts on your body.

For example, if you knicked yourself shaving and your partner rubs his penis up your leg without a condom, you can possibly contract an STD that way. It’s rare – yes. But possible. Be safe and get STD tested, suggest that your partner get STD tested, stay in a monogamous, faithful relationship whenever possible, and use condoms during anal sex, oral sex and vaginal intercourse any time you’re unsure. Always treat your partner’s penis as though it can get you pregnant or give you an STD because in truth – it can! That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex. Just be safe and smart about it!

What Women Want

Chick In Heels — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 01:15:43 +0000

I recently read an article about what women want, and your average woman commented on what ‘touched’ her most when it came to men. Some women wanted help around the house, some women wanted sex in a certain manner, some women wanted appreciation. It got me to thinking about what women REALLY want in a relationship. It will be interesting to see if the women out there agree with me, I tend to think more like a guy (or so I’m told lol!!).

Playful Passion

Number one for me is that I want to feel passionate with my man. I want to feel like there is always a fire burnin’ for one another. I want to keep the spice alive!! I love it when my guy and I are flirty together and keep that ‘secret connection’ in the forefront, like stealing those mini make out sessions whenever the opportunity presents itself. It’s vital to a relationship to take advantage of those times – those moments when you can still be playful together. The key however, is having the desire and mindset to be actively flirty and fun with your partner. It’s easy to let life distract you. Bills, chores, work, kids – the lazy route is to have these things interfere. The participative route (which is a whole lot more fun and rewarding) is to WANT to keep the special moments going. Women crave this kind of connection from their men. The guy who will slide up behind her while she’s working in the kitchen – even a passing ‘goose’ to say “how YOU doin??”

Foreplay First

For the women out there who want sex (and who doesn’t!?!) the consensus seems to be that they want some good quality foreplay. Guys who show they CARE about how you respond to their actions. Guys who take their time and WANT to turn their woman on (on a side note, guys should expect the same in return – a girl who merely ‘gives it up’ doesn’t cut it for a guy’s excitement level either). Some guys can get lost in the ultimate goal of ‘getting her off’ and lose sight of the passion in attaining that outcome. Sex shouldn’t be a chore between a couple in any way, both people should equally enjoy the physical involvement. Sex is the one thing that bonds you above and beyond all other relationships – make it feel that way – make it a priority. Women want to feel sexy, loved and that you care about what excites them in the bedroom.

Cunning Compliments

Along with that point is that women want to feel like their man is attracted to them. They want to feel beautiful. Most women have an inner conversation that pin points their flaws and physical insecurities. I’d be hard pressed to find a woman who doesn’t mentally criticize her cellulite or weight or breast size…you name it, we self scrutinize it! Men are not always aware of the internal self doubt that a lot of women have. We count on our men to remind us of how beautiful we are. Every woman desires to hear that. A woman wants to feel like no matter where she is, the man she is with looks at her as the most beautiful woman in the room. Men may be surprised at the realization that the odd compliment can boost us so high. I’m guilty for looking to my man for approval, always wanting to look my best for him – I’m not one to take his attraction for granted. A woman who feels good, also feels good to be around fellas!

Love and Loyalty

An important factor to a lot of women (and men) is commitment and loyalty. Anyone in a good relationship values the commitment of their partner. Feeling safe and secure in their bond and not having to question their partner’s actions. Knowing that their partner chooses to be with them and is devoted to the relationship. I believe that the commitment level that you are willing to give should be equal to that of what your partner is willing to give as well. Feeling like your man would do anything for you and has completely given of himself to you, and vice versa. A woman desires for her man to show he is proud to be with her and has no problem indicating his belief in the commitment he has to her. A woman longs to be her man’s one and only.

Ultimately both sexes want to be with a partner who ‘betters’ their life. Who is supportive through the rough times and helps to create the good times. Someone you can laugh with, someone you enjoy spending time with. The one person above all others you would choose to be around no matter what it is that you are doing. The person in your life who you want by your side. If you really think about what you want – I am certain the qualities I have mentioned here will be the ones that count the most, even above any physical or social attributes. Passion, supportiveness, devotion and commitment, the person you’d be missing if they weren’t in your life. Someone who puts your feelings above all else. Someone who makes you happy.

Great Relationships Begin Within!

Maryanne Comaroto — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 01:00:50 +0000

Consider all we attend to each day, and most of us simply find it hard to invest in a good relationship, let alone carve out the hours necessary to mend or tend a difficult one. If you’re day is anything like mine, it may go a little something like this:

Dropping kids off after school, work deadlines, pressure to keep your job. pressure to compete (especially now), pressure to be original, friends calling in real crisis and friends in perpetual crisis, staying fit and young and sexy and time to re-do the kitchen, send the kid to college, get your parents in to an extended care home (if they don’t kill you first), and … RELAX! why don’t you (with all that extra time).

And what if you have to factor in something like this:

Go home, climb in the shower and get ready for my date tonight!!!

And You Thought You Had A Challenging Relationship….

WHEW! I’m exhausted just typing that! I heard a great story years ago about a kid whose mom asked him to make her some eggs. She instructed him to scramble one and fry the other. Being a good kid, he did just that, the stood and beamed proudly before his mother, presenting her with what he understood to be the answer to her heart’s (or stomach’s, if you will) desire; eggs, one scrambled, the other perfectly fried! “Oh. NO” she protested. “I wanted that one scrambled and the other one fried!” pointing ruthlessly at his obedient offering.

For me, this kind of crazy-making relationship is, at minimum, challenging, not to mention arduous.
One point to make here is that most of our lives are full. So how do we go from overwhelmed (or, at least, I am bloody tired and I really want a relationship) to gracefully finding that one special person who actually does make your load feel lighter?

How NOT To Find A Good Partner

Maybe you do a version of one of these options:

a) Meet someone you’re attracted to and have sex right away since you think chemistry is the best indicator of a great choice of partner.
b) Sign up on every online dating service, line up endless dates and then, like a total maniac, unleash your inner daemons and hope one date finds this attractive?
c) Drink alcohol and or take a few sedatives, anti-whatever ( because, hey, everyone else does). Go to a bar or nightclub and get your groove going and then just see what happens, because you’re reasoning is in no way impaired…if anything, being high brings out your real self, and tons of people meet their soul mates in bars!
d) Stop…drop and roll?
e) Or maybe STOP, drop in with yourself and see first where you might be leaking some valuable life-force energy. (Hopefully you chose E, in an ideal world, anyway.

Loving Yourself Is The First Step

So here’s a little relationship heads up (in case you didn’t choose “E” or in case – like most of us – you have a hard time choosing “E” all the time!):
If we don’t have time for ourselves…neither will they.
If we don’t MAKE time for ourselves…neither will they.
If we don’t know how to manage our own lives well…neither will they.
If we do find someone to “take us away from all this,” one or the other gets tired of the burden and eventually the relationship dies. Check the statistics; people who have the fewest relational tools are most likely to have dissatisfying and destructive relationships. Period.

Great Relationship Shortcuts

Give yourself what you want from a partner and you’re exponentially more likely to attract a really good one!
And last, having tools and skills are pointless if we don’t use them so~

Surround yourself with supportive people and you are more likely to stay on your path of growth and good self-care, and leave what isn’t that behind!

Relationship Wisdom From The Most Popular Sex Advice Book

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 21:00:11 +0000

When I was seventeen, the United States was experiencing its least amount of sexual innocence in its history. That was in 1977. The pendulum swing away from sexual innocence and naiveté is still swinging wide.

Back then I had questions about sex and sexuality that my mother appreciated but did not really want to answer! She suggested I read the book Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask. She said she would buy it for me. Ever the independent individual, I chose to buy it for myself. Man! I consumed that book faster than any other book I’d ever read. It really did answer the questions I could not get answered any other way without going blindly along creating experiences for myself that may or may not have been in my best interest. I got to come into my own sexuality, armed with information that helped me make good choices for myself.

Good Relationship Advice From A Sex Book?

Not too long ago, I heard someone belittle Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid To Ask. I disagree with that. Obviously, no matter how sexually free we think we are, we still have questions about sex that we are afraid to ask. If that were not true, AskDanandJennifer.com wouldn’t exist!

I will share with you the one thing the critics pulled out of the book and made fun of because it is rather humorous. It also suggests something about loving another person at either the beginning of or well inside a relationship with him or her that is deeper than the superficial advice the author gives.

Toward the end of the book, he has suggestions for reeling in the man of your dreams. One suggestion is that the way to subliminally suggest to a man that you are the woman for him is to fix him a home cooked meal and with it serve either milk or beer. The milk (or beer) will remind him of mother’s milk and create a sense of bonding from him to you. As I write this I am laughing, even though thirty-one years ago I latched onto it as if it were a golden nugget of advice!

And now, as an expert on the romantic challenges of mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I would never suggest to anyone that you remind the person you are attracted to of mother’s milk as a means to his or her heart. However, I do like what the advice implies, even if I’m stretching a wee bit here.

Creating Co-Dependence Or True Love?

When you are dating, first in love, or in a solid relationship, make a habit of making “it” be about the other person instead of yourself. Whatever “it” may be: a meal, the conversation, the movie choice, the favorite series on TV choice, whose family to spend or not spend the holiday with, how to roll up the toothpaste tube, etc. Making everything about the other person isn’t wise. That creates co-dependence even in the most diligent person if he or she is on the receiving end of that much selflessness.

Sometimes, though, it is just so great to be in love and have the feeling and commitment (or potential commitment) returned that we feel like we have come home to the one person who loves everything about us. Who will listen forever and give us good strokes and lift us up when we’re down! And if you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, there are still those moments when you say something so profound and find it appreciated so greatly that you’re thrown right back into that space of, “I am loved! It’s all about me! He/she thinks I’m precious! Wah-hooooo!”

What Really Makes A Difference

Ideally, feeling that completely loved is a true experience. However, that level of interest doesn’t last. And that’s OK. There is intimacy, vulnerability, and deep love in the experience of give and take. Turning your attention off yourself and giving the spotlight to him or her renews the love and passion in your relationships. And if you are just beginning to date or newly in love, it sends a big message as to the kind of life time mate you have the potential to be for him or her.

I don’t know if giving a man a glass of milk or a beer makes a difference in his psyche, causing you to stand out from the rest of the women in his life. But being genuinely interested and invested in him can make a difference. With whatever manipulative technique folks are sharing with men for how to snare a woman, it may or may not work. But being genuinely interested and invested in her can make a difference.

Online Dating - Doing It Right

Chick In Heels — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 19:00:39 +0000

While online dating was once considered the dating foray of the nerdy and desperate, many people are realizing how valuable online dating - or online “introductions” really can be. If you’re interested in online dating, here’s how to do it right!

Setting Things Up

Before you begin, I suggest you create a new email address – one that protects your anonymity and gives you control. This is a safeguard to keep your regular email address safe from creepies that may not want contacting you.

Rule number one – do NOT give out any personal information right away.

Chances are you will have to pick a nickname or ‘login name’ for your dating site – take a moment when considering this – (as stated before, do not give out your name yet) what will your nickname SAY about you?? After all don’t pick ‘busty Betsy’ if you aren’t so busty – if you falsely represent yourself you only set yourself up for failure…not to mention if you care about who you are to attract and what characteristics they will decipher from your portfolio. Don’t pick “lonely heart” if you don’t want to come across as desperate. Try to keep it light – maybe consider what your hobbies are – like “Hockey girl” for example.. that can also make for a great starting conversation maker when you are contacted by someone.

What Are You Looking For?

Clarify what you are looking for up front – if you want something with long term potential say so, if you are looking to casually start dating again – again – be upfront.. State some of your basic likes and dislikes when it comes to dating & relationships. You may value loyalty, you may prefer a non-smoker…. List your hobbies…things you enjoy doing on a date maybe, or whatever your idea of fun is!!

Most dating sites will tell you that posting a picture will generate a lot more responses. I say, go for no photo at first and see how that goes. Maybe once you have comfortably established some chat with another person you can specifically send them your photo without having it out for public display.

If you are comfortable going the photo displayed route then ensure you are using an accurate depiction that is CURRENT. Thing is, you should expect the same in return as well. I once heard a suggestion where you have the person hold up today’s paper when sending you a photo of themselves lol!! That’s not that bad of an idea!
Now, before you go on chatting with just anyone through email or messenger or the dating site’s chat function – take a look into THEIR profile. Make sure this is someone you want to strike up a conversation with – don’t waste anyone’s time and expect the same in return.

Nixing “Chatspeak”

Now, what I believe is the KEY to online dating success – is being able to ‘chat/type’ the same way you would actually ‘speak’ if the person was in front of you. It always amazes me how often people who I know are very social and fun can come across as daft during a messenger conversation lol!! Try not to only give one word answers – have some questions that you’d like to ask. Toss the nerves aside, the benefit of online dating/chatting initially is that you remain somewhat anonymous… you don’t even have to worry about what you look like unless you venture into video chat ;o) (if you are on webcam chat.. make sure you’re presentable)….

Chatting through online dating can give you a lot of information in a short amount of time. This is a bonus as it saves people from wasting time if they discover something they aren’t keen on about the other person. It also can make you feel less inhibited to talk about things. On a real date there are always distractions – online the focus is the conversation and whether or not you feel the ‘click’.

Making An Online Relationship A Real Relationship

When you feel comfortable meeting in person, do so in a public place during daytime hours if at all possible. Provide your own transportation initially as well.. have a friend check in on you at some point during the meet (maybe they can send you a text) in case you require an ‘out’. These are standard concepts when meeting a new person anyway… hopefully the person you were chatting with online turns out to be an honest representation of themselves. There are always people out there who have used photos from their ‘better days’ or who haven’t been completely honest with their relationship status, etc, etc… just be aware before you dive right in. So keep that initial meeting short – coffee or a drink – not dinner. If all goes well, dinner can be next time. If what you are looking for is something casual and you wish to take things to another level – just be safe – going anywhere alone with a stranger poses threats – keep yourself protected at all times and in all ways ;o) Even if you use a reputable dating service you never truly know the person you are meeting initially so be smart.

Online dating can be a great way to branch out and it no longer holds the stigmas it once did. There are likely more couples meeting online as there are in bars now-a-days. Plus, you’ll likely know a lot more about the person you are meeting face to face then you ever could find out from someone you meet in a bar. Sharpen up those typing skills – and open the door to the online possibilities!!!

Breaking A Financial Addiction Cycle

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 00:00:09 +0000

While many of us are strapped for cash, seeing our income or savings take a hit, and planning our savings strategy, do you know someone who just can’t seem to help making certain purchases they’d be better off not making? Maybe your partner has this struggle, or maybe it’s even something you are dealing with personally. I call this financial infidelity (which is also the title of my latest book) and when I saw it cropping up before the recession, it was usually acted out in the form of larger purchases – maybe even something the person could afford. But now this type of addiction is even more detrimental as many people who engage in this type of behavior honestly CANNOT afford it – relationally OR financially.

What Exactly Is Financial Infidelity?

Of course, a purchase or behavior that qualifies as financial infidelity is dangerous no matter what, but what has the potential to bankrupt your relationship could also have the potential to be even more financially damaging than before. There are a number of ways people engage in financial infidelity – and they don’t always involve large, big ticket purchases. It could be as small as getting an extra $20 back from your grocery shopping, if that’s something you can’t afford and don’t want your partner to know about.

Even when we’re financially strapped, financial infidelity is still likely to be taking place – and in some cases, even more likely. The reason is that the behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive. For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

Can You Break The Cycle?

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances. You could engage in Smart Heart dialogue where you use a transition in life to ask crucial questions and uncover you and your partners ideas about money. You could focus on your “Imago” - the way you look at money based on your past – both as an individual and as a couple.

The important this is to not let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging eachother in honest conversation. It’s hard not to let these conversations escalate, but it’s important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns:

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings – truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”

*Detach from your emotions – try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive conversation, remember things that each person need to work on, in order to avoid financial infidelity or a need for thrill-seeking behavior.